Dedicated to Indie - For the prompt that you gave me so long ago. We barely knew each other then. I barely knew anything about myself. So much has changed. You're beautiful, talented and wonderful. Hold on

(19 August, 2017)

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide type thing, death

I sat upright, gasping for breath, soaked in sweat. I was shaking violently, I had to get out. I had to get out of here. Now. Throwing the pile of blankets off me, I stood up out of bed. I look down at myself. I was still dressed in jeans and a t-shirt from the previous day. Good. Grabbing my bag off the floor, I place a notebook, pen, book and jacket and swing it over my shoulder. Walking quickly over to my window I thrust back the curtains. I open the window and breathe in the crisp, cold night air. The moon shines brightly and the grass glistens with rain. I look out, my eyes catching on the tree that is a fair jump from my windowsill. With one last glance around my room, I climb up onto the windowsill and prepare myself for the jump.

As I jump, I extend my arms forwards and they grab onto a branch of the tree. I had been practicing for this jump for years now, from trees onto trees or playground equipment onto tables. I had always know that one day I would need to get away. Quickly, I pull myself up onto the branch so I’m in some form of squatting position. Carefully, I make my way across branches and down the truck of the tree. The leaves brush against my face, leaving cold drops of water behind them. I reach the lowest branch and swing myself down. I don’t know where I’m going. The only destination I have is away. Away from here. Away from everyone I know. Time to start again.

I begin to run. I’m running alongside the roads, alongside people’s orchards and gardens. Luckily, no one is around, it is a fair distance between people’s houses because everyone owns so much land, but everyone knows everyone so I keep on running. Past letterboxes, past fields of horses I keep on running. The wind picks up and it starts to rain, clouds covering the sky. My hair blows into my face, making it even harder to see, but still I run. I need to get away. I don’t know what I need to get away from anymore, but I know I do so I keep running. Maybe I’ll run forever.

My breath comes in sharp gasps as I finally slow down. I had been running for ages, though how long I wasn’t sure. I didn’t even know where I was anymore, so I slowed to a walk. Quietly, I approached a large building, obviously it had been abandoned many years ago, but hopefully it could provide some shelter. Despite the fact that it was old and falling down, there was still a strange air of beauty to it. With a quick glance behind me to make sure no one was following me I scuttled inside. As I entered I gasped again, but this time it wasn’t because I couldn’t breathe. It was beautiful. A high ceiling arched over me, the stained glass windows letting the moonlight shine through. A river murmured softly as the current went along its path. The whole building was made of a stone that was a haunting shade of green which was only enhanced by the moss and ferns that had been left to grow wild. Despite the caution that usually holds me back, I long to explore and lose myself in all the pathways that seem to all lead somewhere different. I take a quick moment to decide what to do. Soon I find myself throwing all my careful planning away and making my way to a bridge that seems to be crumbling at the edges a little. Carefully, I place one foot on the bridge, not wanting it to break apart under my weight. Suddenly, I hear footsteps, there is someone else here. Silently cursing myself for not noticing, I back up a little and duck behind a tall plant. The person walks, or rather twirls onto the bridge. It seems to be a young girl. She turns and jumps and leaps across the bridge. Her face is serious, but her eyes are lit up. She is dancing.

Light streams from one of the windows down onto her, the sun must be rising as the light is too bright for it to just come from the moon. Still the young girl dances. Her hands fluttering and her feet gliding across the smooth surface. Suddenly, there is a pause in her dancing as she lands from a jump into a position, her arms in front of her, presenting herself to an imaginary audience. Except, that audience isn’t imaginary anymore. Before I know what I’m doing, I stand up from my spot behind the plant and begin to applaud. I clap loudly and smile at her, her dancing was beautiful. It was magical even. My applause continues until she lets her arms drop to her sides and her foot draws back in to her. Her serious expression suddenly breaks into a grin, her face now matching the light in her eyes. Leaning forwards she beckons towards me and what else could I do except step to her.

Suddenly, she is dancing again. Leaping, turning, jumping and gliding her way off the bridge. Still her hands beckon towards me as she dances. Her body is twisting and bending into all sorts of beautiful shapes. She dances away from me, leading me along paths and around bushes. Still she dances, it seems as if she never tires. I want to know who this strange, talented dancing girl is so I keep following her. I follow her as she leads me up flights of stairs. I follow her as I feel the soft soil under my feet turn into the hard green stone. I keep on following her, not even aware of where she is taking me. If only I had pain attention. Maybe I could have stopped what happened next.

It turns out she had been leading me to the highest point in the room. I didn’t even realise that there were stairs that lead to a spot far above the bridge. I didn’t even realise what she was doing or what her dance meant. She and I reached the highest point in the room. She was still dancing, she looked almost as if she were floating. Once again she stopped, this time she looked directly at me. Her eyes were sad, her face was serious, her hair was tightly pulled back, like all dancers. A smile formed on her face before it quickly slid off. “Goodbye. I’ll see you next time,”she whispers, her voice soft and gentle. Before I could even think of what was going to happen she leaped. She leaped off the edge, it was beautiful, but terrifying at the same time. I think I screamed, but I don’t remember exactly. I know I ran to the edge and watched her fall, her hands still perfectly places. As she landed a small thud echoed throughout the room.

Quickly, I rushed down the stairs, no where near as graceful as she had been. I ran across the bridge to the place where her body lay. She seemed even smaller in death. If only I could have stopped her. Somehow I ended up on the floor next to her, her hand in mine and there we lay. Tears slipped down my face, my whole body shook, vibrating against her still one. I didn’t even get to know her name. Slowly, I sat up again. I found a flower to place with her, wishing that I had something more meaningful. Then I left. I wanted to take her with me, but I knew that couldn’t carry her despite her small, light, dancers body. I could barely keep myself walking, let alone carry another person. With quick steps I walked back towards the entrance, I had wanted to stay here forever when I found this place, but now I wasn’t so sure.

I prepared myself to leave the safety of this beautiful space. Taking one last look around I placed it firmly in my memory. The sound of the river, current rushing. The texture of the stone walls and ground. The elegant designs of the stained windows. The smell of the plants growing freely. The beauty of the place put together. It was the most beautiful place I had ever seen and most likely the most beautiful place I would ever see. Suddenly, my eyes were drawn back to the bridge. At first I didn’t quite know why and then I saw. Someone was there. Someone was there dancing.