The sky was darker than usual that night. There was no moon to light up the night, the only lights to go by were the old street lights that looked so elegant in the day, but did close to nothing at night. Even the stars were faint and flickering that night. A cold, swift wind flew through the air, cutting through the warmth of cosy jackets and jumpers. It flew through the hair of people that rushed back to their homes after late night strolls that had been extended. It was nearing midnight and most people were at home or working a night shift. In most houses, all was silent as families slept peacefully, enjoying their dreams. In other houses children were asleep and adults could be heard, laughing and talking together. In the few houses left, children were sobbing and angry yells could be heard.

The wind cut through a boy’s jacket and swept across his face. He wasn’t in any of these houses and he didn’t want to be. He had had enough and now he was free at last. He had crept out of the house. His parents hadn’t come to check on him. They never did, they always expected that he slept easily and peacefully. They didn’t know about the nightmares that woke him up and made him gasp for breath. They didn’t know about the thoughts and worries that kept him awake late at night when he was meant to be asleep. They didn’t know about his fears that make him shake too much to even relax. So he went out, jumping from his window onto a tree, he climbed down the tree, expertly grabbing the branches and swinging down. He left the garden that he had grown up in. The garden that he came to read in and play in with his sister when they were younger. He left it all. He wasn’t like any other child now, he was free. Free from everything that kept him back, free from all the sadness and anger of his family. But now it was too late, he had been contained too long and so he made his way to the river. Glancing along streets before he walked, you could think that he was just another teenager sneaking his way out to meet his friends. This was so far from the truth. His only friend had been on holidays for a week now and so they hadn’t spoken. It had been too much.

He had reached the bridge that stood high over the river. It was quite a nice view if you thought about things like that. With a long deep breath he began to walk onto it. He had never been very good with heights, but it seemed like it was the right thing to do. Maybe his last act could be one of half bravery. With slow steps he breathed deeply, preparing himself for the events of the night. He was terrified, sad, angry and exhilarated all at the same time. Too many thoughts and emotions for one head. He was no stranger to emotions, he felt overwhelmed almost everyday, but this was the most he had ever felt, but also the least. Somewhere in there he felt a sense of calm. Everything was going to be okay. It scared him a little, but it was too late for that now. He reached the middle of the bridge and flung his head back. Staring up at the sky he screamed. He wouldn’t have done it any other night, but tonight he was free. He was free and so he let everything go. Dissolving into tears he kept screaming, staring up at the stars that flickered he screamed and cried. His last noise was one of anguish. “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he flung himself off the bridge.

Tears slipped slowly down Corliss’s face as she read that small bit of paper that had been in the letterbox. Her hands shook as she read it for the third time. She still couldn’t fully grasp what had happened. She wasn’t expecting anything like it. Her mum had given her a small bit of paper when she came down for breakfast, pitying glancing met her from all sides of the table until she had had enough and ran to her room. The first time she read the letter she couldn’t breathe. The second time she almost vomited. She didn’t cry until now, her third time reading it. It was a simple looking note, just a piece of paper, folded up the way he always folded things, written in black ink. She was expecting some silly joke or a time to meet up. He used to do those things all the time, he loved sending letters. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. They wouldn’t be seeing each other soon enough at all. He was gone and wasn’t coming back. He was moving even further than the other side of the world. She reread it for the fourth time:
Dear Cor,
I’m so sorry that I couldn’t stay longer. I just couldn’t live this life anymore. Everything was too hard. It wasn’t your fault. When you went on holidays I just couldn’t keep myself going. I will miss you, but please don’t follow me. Thank you for all the good times we had together. I’m sorry I couldn’t go any further.
Your Best Friend,
Bas
P.s. Remember people teasing you because your best friend was a boy? Well, you won’t have that problem anymore.

Now she was on the floor of her room. She didn’t know how she had gotten there, one moment she had been standing and the next she was on the floor. Clutching the letter to her she sobbed. Her tears overwhelmed her and she curled into a ball. She was shaking. He had actually gone through with it, she thought. He had been feeling so much better, but now he was gone. As she shook, her dark hair fell across her face. Her body shuddered with the breaths that didn’t want to come out. She just wanted to stop breathing, but she knew that wasn’t an option at the moment. She wished it was, she wished she could have been the one to go instead of him, but she knew she couldn’t. She stayed on the floor, she was too exhausted to do anything else.

“Corliss,” a young girl’s voice said, slowly.
“Yes, Ella?” Corliss asked, wondering what her little sister wanted.
“It’s time for dinner. Mum and dad said to come get you,” Ella replied. She crept closer to Corliss and sat down beside her. “What’s wrong?” Ella asked.
“I’ll come down in a minute Eleanor. Nothing is wrong, I’m just tired,” she answered, doing her best to make her tone sound normal, but she could hear it break in the middle. She was tired. Tired of feeling sad, Bas had been the thing keeping her alive and obviously it had gone the other way too. Now she was alone. She heard light footsteps as Eleanor walked out of the room and down the stairs. Taking a deep breath she stood up, her hands hung limply by her sides and she glanced at herself in the mirror. Her hair hadn’t been brushed and her eyes were red and swollen. Her clothes were rumpled and her throat ached. She wiped her eyes and prepared to put on a smile, but she found she couldn’t. Bracing herself for questions she walked down the stairs. Her parents didn’t know what had been in the letter, but they knew it wasn’t good. She reached the bottom of the steps and looked into the dining room. Her parents sat across from each other and she had been left a place, opposite her sister. Taking a breath she walked in, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear she tried once again to place a false smile on her face and once again failed. She could usually manage a false smile easily, but today it was just too hard. Taking her place at the table she muttered a soft thank you.

“What was in the letter?” her mother asked, her tone kind and her gaze curious. Placing her hands on her lap and pressing them tightly together, Corliss looked down and then up again. “Bas is dead,” she said her voice shaking, she bit the inside of her mouth and waited for a response.

“We can talk about this after dinner. Okay?” her father said, mindful of the horrified look that Eleanor had on her face.

“Okay dad. Sorry Ella,” she replied, looking at Eleanor apologetically. Bringing one hand up to her cutlery she took a fork and moved her salad around with it. She wasn’t hungry, she didn’t think she could eat. Her throat was tight and her stomach had a clenched feeling to it. “Sorry, I’m not really hungry. Is it alright if I don’t eat?” she asked, hoping that her parents didn’t make her eat. She was sure that she would vomit if she did.

“That’s fine. You look sick. Do you want to go to bed after this?” her mum asked, still with a look of curiosity in her eyes.

“Yes, please,” Corliss replied, grateful for the suggestion. She really didn’t want to talk and going to bed was the best place not to talk, even if she knew that she wouldn’t be able to sleep. It was going to be a rough night. She wasn’t good at sleeping at the best of times, but now well she would find out. They ate in silence, everyone could feel the tension at the table. Eleanor looked around at each person, trying to work out what was going on, all she knew was that Bas was dead, but obviously there was something else. Corliss herself was trying to work out what was going on. How could Bas be dead?

Suddenly everyone’s plates were empty. She stood up and went around the table, gathering the plates to take them into the kitchen. She whispered a ‘sorry’ to Eleanor as she passed. With a stack of plates she walked into the kitchen, placing them by the sink she gave a soft sigh. She tried to convey her emotions to the sink, but it had no reply. She walked back into the dining room. “Thanks for dinner, I’m going to try get a little sleep,” she said as she reached the stairs. She gave a small wave that her parents and sister copied. With a false smile she walked up the stairs as she reached the top of them she could hear her parents and sister beginning a cheerful sounding conversation. With a glance down at them she quickly turned away and started walking down the hall, walking to her room which was the furthest away from the stairs. In a hesitant motion she grabbed the door handle of her bedroom door and turned it. She hoped that she would see Bas there and that somehow he hid in her house as a surprise, he did strange things like that sometimes, but she knew it wouldn’t be like that this time. Stepping slowly into her room she let out a breath that she didn’t know she had been holding. Closing the door behind her she stumbled over to her bed, blinded by the tears that had already begun to fill her eyes. Sinking slowly onto her bed, the tears overwhelmed her again. She knew that she was being weak and selfish. It’s my fault anyway, she thought, snapping herself out of her teary state. No it’s not, she thought. Somewhere inside her she knew that it wasn’t her fault, but still she felt awful.

Taking a deep breath, she calmed down a little or so she thought. Suddenly, she shuddered violently, her whole body shook for a minute before returning to its usual stillness. After waiting a second to make sure she was okay, Corliss stood up and walked over to her window, her bedroom was on the second floor and it was high enough that if she jumped she could severely hurt herself. She considered it for a moment, she considered jumping. Quickly she pushed the thought out of her mind, loudly closing the window and shutting the curtains. With quick steps she walked back over to her bed, tripping over a charger that had been left on the floor. She picked herself up and lay herself down on the bed, staring at the ceiling she let her mind wander. She knew it was a dangerous practice, but it was so easy just to let her eyes slip out of focus and to let her mind roam free. Her eyes looked lighter than the shade of green that they usually were, her hair fell over her face and her hand absentmindedly traced invisible patterns on her arm.

Corliss thought about Bas as she expected. She wondered what had happened while she wasn’t there. She wondered what finally pushed him. She wondered what he thought as he did it. Questions filled her head. Questions that made her worry. Questions that were now unanswerable. She knew that thinking about it was pointless, whatever she thought about she couldn’t change the past. Whatever she wondered she couldn’t change his mind. Whatever she asked she couldn’t bring him back from the dead. She lay on her bed, she shook herself out of the trance of thoughts that she had been in. She sat up, brushing her hair away from her face she blinked away the tears that had filled her eyes as she thought. Corliss grabbed the letter from Bas that she had put on her bedside table. She wanted to read it again just to make sure there wasn’t any code that said that he hadn’t really died. Unfolding it, she held her breath, hoping that there was something that she missed. She read the letter again, carefully feeling across the paper to make sure there wasn’t any hidden paint or writing. She finished reading it and to her disappointment there was nothing that she had missed. It was just the letter that she had read four times already. It was just the same letter. She opened the drawer in her bedside table and took a dark blue pen out of it.

With a sigh Corliss stood up. She couldn’t relax so it was pointless to try to sleep. Straightening her top she walked over to her bookshelf, letter and pen in hand. Mostly the bookshelf, was filled with books as most bookshelves are. Most of them she adored. Actually, most books she adored, but today she wasn’t looking for a book to read. On one shelf sat a box carved out of a dark brown wood. Picking it up, she sat on the floor, placing the pen and letter next to her. She opened the lid and took out a stack of letters tied together. Untying the string she placed the newest letter on top of the others. It was a collection of letters and notes Bas had sent to her over the course of their friendship. They had liked to surprise each other with hidden notes and messages, in lockers at school, under pillows or tucked away in books. She tied the stack back up, now the stack was the tiniest bit thicker as she placed it back into the box. She replaced it on the shelf and placed the pen inside a book.

She pulled her desk chair over to the window. Putting in just beside the window she sat down. Letting herself stare out into the distance she thought. Thinking of the friendship that had endured five years. Thinking of the surprises that had happened. Thinking of the midnight conversations. Thinking of the meetings in the park on weekends. Thinking of the letters that they left each other. Thinking of the study sessions. Thinking of the trips to the beach. Thinking of everything that had happened, she looked out of the window. The sun had well and truly set, but the stars were faint and flickering. She wasn’t alright and she knew that she wouldn’t be for a long time so she stared up into the sky. She could see the elegant streetlights out of the corner of her eyes. The moon had risen, it was very small that night as she sat at the window. It shone its tiny light on the ground and she sighed. The stars were faint and flickering as Corliss stared up at the sky.

There was a soft knock on the door as Corliss was waking up the next morning.