This is a story about the first time I saw a dead body.


I was fifteen years old, my stomach still bulged and my limbs were thin. I remember my breathing stilled, as if I were trying to match the nothingness in the lungs I saw before me.


I remember the day like it was etched on the inside of my skull. My two friends and I were running after one another, shifting from fox to human, in a never ending game of tag. I was never “it”, my paws tapped the ground far faster than the other two. And when I used my human feet, stained black, they barely touched the ground as I sprinted, screaming, from grabbing hands.


I ran slower for Asher, taunting him and dancing around his long, reaching arms. He had dirty brown hair that would fall in his face, and as soon as his brown eyes were hidden he would shift, the grey fox’s tongue lolling out the side of his panting mouth as he ran. He was the slowest of us all, even though his limbs were longer he lagged far behind us.


And then there was Eva, a bubble waiting to be popped. Her hair bounced around, and she rarely spent any time in a form other than human. She was comfortable that way, even though she would get tangled up in her own two legs. Nothing wiped the smile off her flushed face, she was just happy to be outside in the sun. I don’t think she liked the game as much as she liked spending time with us.


I let Asher win that day, my heart tugging when his hand ran across my shoulders as a haphazard “tag” to slow me down. He didn’t know I had orchestrated the stutter in my legs. As he draped his body over my shoulders and I sagged from his weight, my heart pounded entirely devoid of my consciousness. I shrugged him off, my cheeks red as I refused to meet his eyes. I knew his eyes weren’t looking for me, though, they were looking for Eva.


I shifted, my bones popping quickly as my body shivered with bright red fur. I trotted lazily into the sun, a bit put off that my cleverly planned surrender to Asher’s touch hadn’t made me feel as happy as I thought it would. He and Eva smiled at one another as they made their way over to me. I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh.


I felt Asher’s aura shift, and his body wriggled against mine warmly. I didn’t move against him, and I heard Eva’s human feet pat as she plopped down next to us. “You ok, Onyx?” I could hear the smile on her face, she was still out of breath. Her fingers worked into my fur, lazily twisting.


I opened one eye to look at her. “I don’t like tag.”


Asher laughed, “You? But you always win.” He paused, rolling onto his back, “But I won this time.” He didn’t want either of us to forget.


“Exactly. It’s boring against you guys.” I rolled over onto my side. If I were not covered in fur my cheeks would have been tinted deep red from the lie I told.


“Then let’s play a different game.”


I didn’t respond, no matter the game I would still feel put off. I stood up, pawing the ground. The dirt gave way beneath my paw and I started picking away to form a small divot within the earth.


How deep would I have to dig to reach my home, which was buried deep under the soil? I wondered absentmindedly if I were standing above my own den or not.


“Let’s play hide and seek!” Eva smiled at us, her bouncy hair taking on a life of it’s own while she spoke. Stray strands were in her mouth and she struggled to speak and pull them free at the same time. Her fingers were stained blue, she had eaten blueberries that morning. “Does that sound good, Onyx?” Her eyes shined at me expectantly, I could smell the excitement shivering off her skin.


“Sounds easy, I’ll play.”


“Let’s play as humans, though.” Asher spoke as he shifted, his fur dying away to form taught, brown skin. His shoulders and nose were freckled from all the hours he spent in the sun with us. He smiled at Eva, who turned pink with happiness. “That way Onyx won’t win automatically.” He turned and winked at me, shame and embarrassment flooded my stomach.


I had never spoken about my feelings towards him, there was little to say. Our friendship had grown as we morphed from cubs to fledgling adults, hormones pumping through our bodies and commanding us to react as if puppets on strings. My strings were shaky, fumbling limbs and sweaty palms.


Asher was calm and cool, though, gliding through life. As was Eva, the two didn’t seem to have the same anxieties crawling deep within their bellies. I often wondered if something was wrong with me.


“Ok, then who’s it?” I shivered into my human skin, trying to maintain indifference.


“Asher!” Eva giggled and already started running, turning back to call, “Cover your eyes!”


He smiled easily and plopped down on the grass to begin his slow count to fifty. A nervous energy filled me and I scanned the area for a good hiding spot. Eva had taken off towards the trees. I, instead, spent a good twenty seconds racing back and forth between a rotting, emptied log, and a rock that had a hollow hideaway beneath it.


I chose haphazardly, wedging my body beneath the rock. My feet desperately scratched the dirt as I tried to force myself deeper within the earth. I could hear his voice calmly reach forty.


It would’ve been so much easier in my fox skin.


Too soon he reached fifty, and my spine ached from the dramatic angle I had forced it into. The tips of my toes were showing, no matter how ferociously I kicked I couldn’t wrangle them into my hiding place.


“Where are you guys?” He held out the vowels so long that he made a better wolf than a fox. “I’m gonna find you.” I wanted to giggle at how high his voice rose, he sounded like my younger sister.


I knew the exact moment he saw my feet because the lazy stroll stopped and he playfully growled, “I’m coming to get you.”


I snatched my hands to my mouth, suppressing laughter at his mock show of fearsomeness.


There was something thrilling about hiding, waiting to be found. I relished the moments that ticked by as his footsteps grew so quiet I couldn’t hear them anymore. Where was he? Was he close? My heart pounded and I worried I might spontaneously switch, my shoulders hunching to my ears to maintain my form.


No sooner had I started to grow bored with waiting had he popped into my view, crouching low and yelling “Gotya!” I yelped, squirming out of the hideaway onto my shaking legs. Being curled up had made them fall asleep, so I stumbled around while smiling, “You won!”


He smiled back, all teeth, grabbing hold of my elbow while my legs regained feeling. “That was the worst spot you could’ve chosen, you were right there.”


“I couldn’t choose.” I blew my bangs from my face, but they landed right back in my eyes. “It’s sort of exciting, isn’t it?”


“What is?” He loosened his grip on my arm as I stood straight. “Waiting to be caught?”


“It’s a change of pace, for sure.” I stuck my tongue out, turning to the wall of trees. “Now you have to find Eva.”


He sighed, scanning the horizon. There wasn’t much to see beyond the yellowing grass and the forest before us. Our home lay beneath an old, decaying tree that was wider and taller than any other for miles around. The tree had a near perfect ring of land around it where grass grew, small gardens could be tended, and bushes of berries lingered at it’s edges.


But beyond the clearing there was darkness and cold air that lived in the gaps between trees.


My father forbid me to go beyond the clearing, but we had always danced around it’s edges, popping in and out of danger. To us, there was nothing to fear but shadows and crows.


The crows were the scariest part, to me, you wouldn’t see them until they burst into flight, screaming as they flapped into the air. You could never trust a crow, they would not look you in the eyes.


“Where’d she go?” Asher wandered ahead of me, eyes trained on the forest.


“Isn’t that the point?”


He glanced back at me, “Don’t tell me she went in there?” He gestured to the woods with his thumb.


I grinned at him, “What? Scared?” I hopped in front of him. “I’m not.”


“I never said I was scared!” He paused, “But what if she is?”


The hairs on my neck stood up, and I didn’t know if it was the autumn breeze or the jealousy that did it. “She’s not. She’s braver than you.”


He rolled his eyes and approached the forest. I glanced behind, the day was fading and the rest of the cubs were deep in our den. There wasn’t a soul around to witness our departure.


I followed, the soil beneath my feet growing cold and squishy the further I left the safety of our clearing. Moss grew heavily in the dark forest, it squished between my toes.


“Eva?” called Asher, his voice echoing back to us. The light from home still shone on our backs.


I scoffed, “She won’t call back.”


He took more steps into the woods, and I followed.


Soon there was no light except for the peepholes of orange scattering down on us from above. The sun was fading, it was easy to see in the burgundy smattering on our faces. Asher’s freckles and the sunspots became one and he was a glistening diamond, orange between the ferns and bark.


He glanced behind to make sure I was still following, everything had gone quiet. I could see my breath in front of me and it clouded my vision.


“Onyx you look like a star.”


I raised my eyebrows and pulled the edges of my lips taught. “A star?”


“It’s like you’re on fire.” His eyes were round, “Your hair…” I glanced down, the bits of red that were soaking up the sun glowed like blood.


“Have we ever gone this far?” My question had an answer we both knew, and suddenly the air was too cold.


He looked down, the sun spots fading on both of us, his shine and my fire were fading fast and we were once more two scrawny children alone in the woods.


Far away a crow cawed, making Asher jump.