How to be a Gryffindor
"You will hear everywhere you go that Gryffindor is the "Hero House" Anyone who tells you this is a liar. Gryffindors are often impulsive, over dramatic, and illogical. They're naive, and over-loyal, and easy to manipulate. If you think you can survive 7 years of this relying on instinct alone? Think again." How to Be a Gryffindor is the story of a child who was destined to be a slytherin, and how they learned to survive the gryffindor commons. on the surface, it's a light hearted booklet of advise, but along the way it is a tale about learning to be comfortable with yourself. I hope you all enjoy.
Last Updated
05/31/21
Chapters
2
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2,182
How to be the villain
Chapter 1
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Gryffindors. are. principled.
Underneath all the "bravery" fluff, this is their most defining quality. Gryffindors believe every situation has a right and a wrong. Gryffindors believe every person should agree with them what "right" and "wrong" means. Real gryffindors think everything is objective.
I'm not a real gryffindor, I just got put here. I'm guessing that if you need this guide, you don't think you're a real gryffindor either. Hang in there, real gryffindors think everyone is like them, and they're about as observant as my 90 year old grandpa (who once set his kitchen on fire without realizing it). They won't notice you feel out of place. They're... forgiving too. with that said, here are some things to never, ever do if you want gryffindors to not hate you.
1. Never Touch a First Year.
Gryffindors aren't really violent, but many of them are playfully aggressive. They shove, and flick, and slap. However: DO NOT hurt first years. Don't push first years, don't nudge first years out of they way to pushing your friends, don't even pat them on the back too hard. I would say it's not good to hurt first years in general, but in the presence of another gryffindor? Your consequences are tripled. teachers will hear about it, the headmaster will hear about it, really everyone will hear about it, because whoever saw you will scream at you in the great hall. Nearly headless Nick will glare at you, and every first year in the school will burst into tears every time they see you.
2. Don't give anyone the silent treatment.
I don't care what they did. However bad they made you feel? The guilt of this will be 10 times worse. Gryffindors need attention, without it they will literally fall apart. They will stare at you all. the. time. In classes, in hallways, probably in your sleep. They'll come up to you with their big, perpetually tearful puppy dog eyes and open their mouth to say something before scuttling away to stare at you some more. and oh, they will cry oceans. You'll hear them sniffling at night. Even I can't make a gryffindor feel that awful, and believe me, I hate gryffindors more than anyone else at this school.
3. (and most important) Never challenge them to dare.
You would think that defensiveness would be a slytherin property, but you have never watched a gryffindor respond to a dare. They will do whatever you causally insinuated they wouldn't, except they will do it with higher stakes than would ever be necessary. You dared them to slide down the banisters of the stairs? They'll do it naked while the stairs are moving. And then they'll come back up prouder than anyone has any right to be and shove their twisted version of the dare back into your face, and you'll have to do it because they're staring at you like they think you wont. And then you'll get in trouble but they'll get house points, because professors love real gryffindors for no goddamn reason.
