We all have a few conflicts with our most loved ones, and these leave us feeling shaken and unnerved. However, it’s crucial to remember that a good relationship is one in which there is absolutely no conflict, but a great relationship is one in which every conflict is resolved, helping both parties grow into better individuals not only for themselves but also for each other, and providing both parties with something new to learn from each dispute. Bottling up one’s emotions is not very helpful when it comes to building a lasting connection, be it with a partner, friends, parents, bosses, colleagues, or even with oneself. It is important to be honest with oneself and others and ensure that everyone at stake is in tune with each other's motivations and interests and satisfied at every level of the relationship being considered. Blowing up suddenly does not lead to a productive discussion and/or effective resolution for either party and puts the whole balance of the dynamics between two people in danger. Knowing that quite a few of us, including myself, have turbulent personalities as opposed to the assertive personality type only makes it more difficult. But do not panic; personality types are not set in stone, as we discussed in one of the previous issues of this magazine. Being an INTP-T myself, I have had my fair share of turbulence and bad blood. However, that doesn’t mean one end of the spectrum is much better than the other. This Valentine’s month, if you snagged a date with your crush and successfully secured a relationship but are still feeling nervous due to fear of differences in personalities creeping into your interactions and blocking your romantic progress on your journey together, let us put your worries to rest by teaching you how to be confident and assertive, and at the same time calm, rational, and supportive around your date, so as not to scare your precious partner away. These tips will also be equally useful in clearly but calmly expressing your needs to your friends, family, colleagues, elders, and even strangers, and will prevent you from displaying unwillingly rash behavior that damages your connections. In "This Month’s Valentine’s Special Topic by Hiya - Communication Strategies to Sustain a Good Relationship", I, Hiya Debnath, the Editor-in-Chief of this magazine, will take you on a guided ride through the psychology of effective communication and aid you in understanding how to rein in the four horsemen of communication in order to get your word through without a bloody war. Implement these strategies to sustain your relationships of any sort for the longest periods of time and also to develop strong, unbreakable, and long-term romantic bonds.

It becomes very difficult to hold it in when you are angry. I know the feeling. It also takes a lot of willpower to not feel attacked when faced with a perceived insult. Harsh words that are perhaps not even intended as slights can often leave you feeling depressed, unwanted, and unloved. The same holds true for your partner or anyone else you are trying to talk to. Little things that we do not notice creeping into our interactions, if kept up on a daily basis, can damage the relationship irreparably. These sneaky little things are what John Gottman, an internationally renowned relationship expert and best-selling author, tried to define and named as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This terminology is a metaphor used to describe counterproductive behaviors that, if left unnoticed and not nipped in the bud, can be lethal to the future of a relationship, corroding the love that forms the core of intimacy.

Image: Have these four horsemen trampled on your relationship? Stop them in time.

Let’s get acquainted with these Four Horsemen. No, even though they are riding horses, they are not chivalrous knights; they are formidable enemies to beware of. Don’t get caught up in fantasies, and do not let them eat away at your bonds with your loved ones.

The First Horseman is Criticism. This one is easy to see if you are attentive enough. Often, you will find yourself criticizing rather harshly, bashing the whole character or personality of a person, when a certain behavior in them doesn’t sit well with you. This horseman can pulverize a potential golden connection faster than you can say “Hello”. When you criticize someone, you are basically making them feel small and telling them that they are not good enough, or perhaps outright evil. The same applies to perceiving situations objectively as black or white, rather than realizing that most actions and words fall in the gray zone.

So, do you not say anything if you feel that the other person’s behavior is bothering you? Of course not. As said earlier, bottling up one’s emotions doesn’t help in any situation. So how do we say it without criticizing? That is exactly where the first communication strategy comes in to defeat the First Horseman head-on on the battlefield. Whenever you feel words of rebuke rearing their ugly heads within you, slow down and rephrase them into more benign comments. The steps include:

1. Identifying your request, wish, or need and the purpose behind it.


2. Addressing that particular unwanted behavior rather than targeting the person’s whole character.


3. Being more specific and pointing clearly at the exact behavior without ambiguity and discussing how it made you feel, for example, "When X happened, I felt Y, and I want Z."


4. Rephrasing the comment with a softer tone in the beginning - Tactfully pass on your message while clearly describing what happened that upset you, without unnecessary evaluation or judgement.

Taking these four steps can effectively defeat the First Horseman and prevent the sabotage of your relationship.

The Second Horseman is Contempt. This Horseman is a little hard to notice because we can’t help but feel a little bit of anger when someone’s actions, words, or behaviors hurt us. However, there is a slight difference between anger and contempt. Anger is how we feel about a particular action, and contempt is how we feel about an individual’s value as a whole. Do we respect them and value them as a person? If we don’t, then the Second Horseman has already attacked our relationship with them very sneakily and destroyed our respect for them. This blow from the Second Horseman needs to be fended off by recognizing our feelings and keeping anger from becoming too important. In such situations, it becomes mandatory to realize that a certain behavior can be negotiated and doesn’t have to change our perception of the entire value of the person in question as an individual. Their action, word, or behavior hurt us; they didn’t. Yet, when we end up attacking their sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse them, showing blatant disrespect for them and putting ourselves on a higher ground, we lose the person as a whole. Nothing is more destructive to love than contempt.

To prevent contempt from sabotaging your relationships, rein in this Horseman by avoiding disrespectful behaviors just because you feel hurt or angry. It can be a bit strenuous to successfully accomplish at first, but it can be perfected with practice. Some behaviors that indicate contempt are eye rolling, sneering, name-calling, hostile humor, and sarcasm. Stop these when they start. To fight contempt, a culture of appreciation and mutual respect must be built from the very beginning. If it has already started breaking the connection and eating away at the very foundation of respect on which any good relationship stands, you can still try to turn it around by both parties volunteering to actively change their mindsets. Some tips that may help effectively destroy the Second Horseman and save your relationship include:

1. Being increasingly self-aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, so that you know what needs to be addressed and can target these rather than resorting to passive-aggressive ways to get your displeasure across.


2. Speaking respectfully even when you are angry, and this requires a bit of self-regulation, with the help of tricks such as removing yourself from the arena for awhile and/or taking a quick breather to help calm down and stabilize your emotions.


3. Rewriting your inner script and checking yourself in time to see if you are feeling or acting like the innocent victim who is burning in righteous anger.


4. Practicing holding the other person in warm regard even when emotional distance is evident, especially during a fight.


5. Catching the other person in an action that you appreciate and communicating the well-deserved recognition to them to help both of you nurture the bond despite the conflicts.

Following these tips and tricks will help drive the Second Horseman away and keep you entwined in a warm and loving embrace despite disagreements, disputes, and conflicts.

The Third Horseman is Defensiveness. This Horseman comes in the guise of a hero to save you when you are feeling attacked. Recognize the facade. Essentially, defensiveness is what you feel when you sense a perceived insult being hurled at you. It may be a perceived attack on your persona, your character, your sense of self, or your worth as a whole. It is natural to hit back, and such a reaction can’t be forcibly controlled, right? Wrong. Doing so only further damages what could have been an informed and productive mutual attempt at progressing towards fostering mutual respect and admiration. It takes courage to face what we think is an ambush on us on a personal level without trying to ward it off and defend our innocence. Behaviors that we end up retaliating with, due to defensiveness, include making excuses, cross-complaining, and “yes-butting”. But it rarely works because it is just yet another form of blaming.

How do you stop this Horseman in his tracks? The solution is to accept responsibility, no matter how small, for one’s actions and acknowledge in some way that we accept what the other person is saying. No, I am not asking you to be a doormat. But it is possible to accept responsibility without compromising one’s sense of self. Some ways to do so are:

1. Actively listening to what has been said and taking the time to interpret it rationally rather than jumping into action immediately to defend oneself.


2. Validating the other person’s words and letting them know what part of it makes sense and what part doesn’t.


3. Meticulously scanning the other person’s complaint for the valid portions and figuring out what one can learn from it or do about it.


4. Not batting everything right back and rationally evaluating the merit in the claims to identify at least one point that can be addressed rather than dismissed or defended against, in order to ensure that the other person feels heard.

Implementing these methods during a heated argument will prevent the Third Horseman from crushing the intimacy in your connections.

The Fourth Horseman is Stonewalling. While this horseman is as covert as the others when making his appearance, it is possible to identify him in time and check his entry into the already heated battle that the other person and you are fighting. Stonewalling occurs when you shut yourself down and refuse to engage in the conversation for whatever reason. Oftentimes, this takes the form of stony silence, monosyllabic answers, or changing the topic. While this may not be your fault because you may be going through a whirlwind of inexplicable emotions due to the very conflict itself and may only be taking a breather to calm yourself down, this may make the other person assume that you don't care enough to try to resolve the issue at hand. It can be very upsetting for the other person to feel ignored, especially during a grave disagreement or problem. Make sure that you let them know that you want to address the issue when you are ready, lest they think that you don't want to solve the dispute and are refraining from joining a healthy discussion regarding the conflict. A few hacks to check yourself in time and avoid stonewalling your loved ones or acquaintances are:

1. Ask yourself if you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed (this feeling is termed emotional flooding).


2. Take some time away from the conversation, but inform your partner prior to leaving the discussion that you want to take some time apart and will come back as soon as you feel calmer and better equipped to communicate rationally.


3. During your time out, avoid thinking about the matter at hand. Instead, let it thaw in the background of your mind and focus on active relaxation by taking several slow, deep breaths, listening to music, reading a magazine, or doing anything that truly helps you wind down and feel composed and peaceful.


4. Address your fear of communicating about the situation directly to your partner and conquer it instead of denying it.

Applying the above tactics will help you keep the Fourth Horseman at bay and help you successfully navigate conflict in any sort of relationship.

Now that we have learned about the Four Horsemen and how to fight them away from our deepest connections like a true knight, I hope you have a great time with your loved ones ahead. More power to you and your relationships.

As a last tip, remember that the most important and powerful weapon that you will ever have against these Horsemen is your desire to keep the relationship going. As long as your will to continue and your motivation towards keeping the commitment intact stay true, you will be able to deal with the worst conflicts easily and survive the invasion of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

I wish a very happy Valentine's month and the cheeriest upcoming spring to all of you. Thank you for reading our magazine.

Sources: -

rwapsych.com.au

Image Taken From: -

findyourlifesong.com

- Hiya Debnath, Journalist, Editor-in-Chief, Compiler, Publisher, Hogwarts Monthly Magazine.