There’s a small red-orange flower circling in my mind. It falls into some mud while it rains, and I jerk awake. 

“Shh, it’s okay, Olive, you passed out,” Harrison tells me, and I’m sitting on his lap while he’s on the beach. I blink. 

“What happened?” I ask him, looking around. 

“It’s a normal thing, there’s not really a name for it,” He says, a hand on my waist. “Don’t stand up too fast, I don’t want you collapsing again,” He adds, and I nod, opening and closing my eyes slowly. “And I kind of want to hold you,” He finishes, and I look up at him, my mouth slightly open. 

“I…what?” I ask, tilting my head. Harrison stumbles for words, then sets me down on the sand. 

“I was in your head for a while, even while you were dreaming. And of course you’re absolutely perfect,” He mutters, then his golden eyes find mine. “I couldn’t help but fall in love,” He adds, and I blush. 

“Well, now if you expect me to think well enough to do the Magnet thing after you saying that, it won’t work,” I say with a chuckle, turning away. 

“As far as I know, thinking isn’t a big part,” Harrison mumbles, then sighs. “You pass out when you think too much about how it is. Just be natural using your powers,” He tells me. 

“Are we going to talk about what you said, though?” I ask. Harrison shrugs, standing up. 

“If you want to. I don’t want to make it awkward, so we can just ignore it if you aren’t interested,” He offers. I nod, blinking. 

“I’m not sure if I am interested or not. I don’t have a lot of experience, with that sort of thing,” I explain. Harrison nods. 

“We don’t have to talk about it unless you want,” He repeats quietly. I nod, taking deep breaths. “Do you want to keep working on your powers?” He asks. I glance over at the metal blob, which edges towards me.The cold sits in my stomach for a while, and I turn away. 

“I don’t want it to hurt me again,” I answer. Harrison nods, and gets to his feet. He offers me a hand, and I take it, holding his hand as we walk slowly up the beach to the back door. 

We spend the rest of the morning reading the book, and it’s raining again after lunch. 

◈◈◈◈

Flint and I duck as guards go past, and I take deep breaths, looking up at the gray sky. It’s raining not far away, because it looks like someone took a paintbrush and dragged the clouds down with it in that spot. 

“The base move was successful,” Flint tells me, after checking his pager. “Ember just texted.”

“Is she talking to you again?” I ask, looking around the docks. This is how the less-advantaged people travel, since train tickets are expensive. It’s easier to hide. 

“Only in official matters,” Flint answers, shrugging. “It’s only been a couple months, I wouldn’t expect her to forgive me,” He looks around. “I’ve got word that Kollan’s wedding is soon. And he was planning to tell Angel where the base is as a wedding gift,” 

“Good thing we moved, and he doesn’t know the new location,” I mutter. Flint nods. 

“What have you been reading lately?” He asks, and I shrug. 

“Nothing much. Everything’s reminding me of her,” I explain, putting my hands in my pockets. He glances over at me, and nods. 

“Boat’s leaving soon. Maybe Sadie knows some good books for you to try, if you just tell her what you’re looking for,” He says, and gets to his feet. 

“I don’t know what I’m looking for, Flint,” I plead, my voice getting thick with tears. He pauses. “I don’t have any motivation, I can’t sleep, but I don’t want to wake up in the morning.” I swallow. Flint leans forwards, and starts to hug me, but I pull away. 

“Cai, you’re depressed. Next time there’s a mission, you need to sit out and maybe talk to a counselor, or nurse, or someone,” Flint tells me, as we step onto the boat. We’re in disguises of course. I have a big raincoat and a knit hat, and I keep my eyes on a pair of muddy boots. 

“I’m fine. Ivvy would want me to fight,” I tell Flint, my arms folded as we find a spot on the crowded boat, leaning against a damp wall. Going down into the hold is suicide. The amount of diseases that circle down there…

“She’d want you to take care of yourself, Cai.” Flint sighs, and looks down at the water. It’s not very far, so Flint wouldn’t be able to stop me if I jumped. I step back from the edge, biting my lip. “What was that about?” He asks, pointing at me. 

“I wanted to jump, for a second,” I wince, and Flint’s eyes widen. 

“I’m getting you home, Cai. Isaiah can keep an eye on you there,” He tells me, his hand on my arm. 

“I can work,” I mutter. Flint sighs. 

“I can’t trust you out in a world full of people that are going to kill you, now that I know you’ll welcome it!” Flint says, gesturing around as he almost-shouts. 

“I’m not going to welcome it…” I trail off. “I don’t know. I just don’t feel like doing much. It doesn’t matter.” I shrug, and look up at the sky, which is leaking slightly. The rain cloud is over us now. 

“We’ll get some hot cocoa when we get back,” Flint tells me, and I shake my head. 

“Not cocoa,” I mutter. “Tea or something else, I can’t- Ivvy- She…” I feel my pulse quickening. Flint sighs. 

“Breathe, Cai. Everything reminds you of Olive, you have to learn to live normally someday.” He pats my shoulder, and I take deep breaths, in and out. “This is probably insensitive, but you need to try and distract yourself. Thinking about her is only hurting you.” 

“All of the things I distract myself with just lead me back to her,” I answer, thinking of the pile of books. There’s always something, a line somewhere, that reminds me of her. 

“Then we’ll get you a new hobby,” He tells me. I nod. 

“You’re wearing your contacts,” Casey comments, as she helps me cut my hair shorter. It’s getting too long. 

“Yeah, my glasses are a little scratched,” I lie, and she nods, brushing hair off of my shoulders. “Do you know if there are any… hobbies I would like? Flint benched me from fighting.” 

“Why would he do that?” Casey asks, holding the scissors expertly. She cuts pretty much everyone’s hair now, and she’s pretty good at it. 

“I’m super distracted on missions, and I don’t think I'm their best fighter anyway,” I mutter. “I’m not in a great mental state,” I add.

“Who would be in a great mental state?” Casey asks with a chuckle, and makes a few more cuts. “You could work in food production. I hear it’s nice,” She tells me, and I nod. 

“I might,” I mutter, and Casey passes me a towel to dry my hair. I dry it with the towel, then look up in the mirror finally. I’m fine. I’m not wearing my glasses, I’m a soldier. “I’m going to go find Isaiah,” I tell Casey, standing up. She nods, and grabs a broom to start sweeping. “Thanks.” 

“It’ll be okay,” She promises me, and I nod. 

“Hope so,” I mutter, and nod to Casey before leaving. She waves. I pass Teddy on the way out as he heads in, and he waves.

“There you are,” Isaiah says, coming up to me, in the training room. “Have you eaten anything today?” He asks, watching me do sit-ups. 

“Yeah, I ate breakfast, and lunch. Did I miss dinner?” I ask. 

“No, Flint just told me to check that you’re not starving yourself,” Isaiah answers, shrugging. “I haven’t seen you outside of meals in a while, Caden.” 

“Not my name,” I snap, and he nods. 

“Sorry,” He mutters. 

“I’ve been here, the kitchens didn’t need any help,” I answer, pausing, and leaning on a nearby metal bench. Isaiah nods. 

“Is there anything we can get you?” He asks, as I sip from my water-bottle and move over to the weights. 

“I’m fine,” I tell him. “I’m just trying to find a new hobby. Reading isn't fun anymore.” Isaiah stares at me. 

“I never thought I’d hear you say that, Cai,” He mutters. “How long did you even know her?” He asks. I stare at him, sighing. 

“This isn’t about her,” I mutter, turning away. 

“Obviously it is,” Isaiah argues. “Where are your glasses?” He asks. 

“Nobody wanted me wearing them but her, and she’s not here, so…” I trail off, and Isaiah sighs. 

“Like I said, it’s about her,” Isaiah mutters, then comes to stand on the other side of the weight rack, watching me. “You knew her for what, two months tops?” He asks. “Probably closer to a single month. That’s a very small portion of your life.” 

“You didn’t know her,” I argue. Isaiah groans. 

“Caden, I’m your best friend. Listen to me.” I look up at him, holding the weights I’ve selected. “You’re eighteen. You’ve got a life ahead of you. You can’t get stuck on one girl, and let it ruin the rest of your life. I’m going to set you up with a girl I know, and you’ll go out, and you won’t think about Olive,” He tells me firmly, as I start to curl the weights. 

“My name is Cai, and Olive was my best friend,” I tell him, and walk off. 

“She’s gone!” Isaiah exclaims, as I start to exercise elsewhere. I don’t listen to him, taking deep breaths. Exercise seems to work. My head clears most of the way. My friend walks off, and the world is finally silent. 

I groan as I lie back on my bunk, my muscles sore. “Doing okay?” Flint asks, from near me. The room is incredibly loud, with about ten boys to a cabin now with the new base. 

“Yeah, I’m just sore,” I mutter, and look over. Sadie is asleep on Flint’s chest as he lies down. He nods, and hums quietly, tapping his foot on the bed frame. “I’m not being overdramatic, am I?” I ask. Flint’s brows furrow. “Isaiah and I argued again this morning. He said I’m overdramatic, and I should be normal now, it’s been almost three months since….” I trail off. “I kind of punched him.” 

“Oh,” Flint says, his eyes wide. “Everyone heals differently. I’ll talk to Isaiah about that stuff,” He tells me. I nod. “Are you just… working out, to get over stuff?” He asks. 

“It’s healthier than hurting myself, or reading, which makes me want to hurt myself,” I reply. Flint nods. 

“If it makes you content, you should keep doing it,” He says with an approving look. I nod.