“There
he is,” I heard a voice whisper. I opened my eyes to see Rachel,
her eyes glistening as she stood by my bed awkwardly, staring at me
with her eyebrows furrowed, as if she was trying to see if it was me
or some monster, like in my dream.

James stood by her, with
tear-stained eyes and even messier hair than usual.

“Hey,” I said, trying to
break the silence.

“H-hey,”
Rachel said, not moving the slightest
bit.

“Where's your friends?” I
asked her. Her eyes flickered something that looked like a mix
between sadness and anger.

“They – they can't come.” she said, still not moving.

“Lots of homework?” I asked.

“No.”

“...You have a good day at school?” I couldn't think of anything
else to say.

“Not really,” Rachel said, “I couldn't really concentrate on
anything but...” she shrugged after a few silent seconds. “Stuff.”

“Oh.”

“What time are you getting home?” she asked me, wiping her eyes
furiously.

“Uh – Madam Pomfrey said I'd be gone by 6 pm today,” I said,
glancing at the clock at the entrance. “It looks like it's 6 now -”

“Poppy!” James yelled, turning to look at Madam Pomfrey tending
to Sirius – who I refused to look at – I just couldn't, knowing
that it was all my fault (his father said that same thing about
him 12 years ago in my intro :'( sorry to make you all cry – just
kidding :D). Instead, I focused on Pomfrey, who turned around,
frustrated, hand on her hip, and rounded on James.

“Do NOT call me Poppy, Mr. Potter.”

“Poppy, can Moony leave now? He's tired of all the crampy beds you
have here.” James said, smirking. Madam Pomfrey sighed.

“Yes, Remus, you may leave.” she turned to Sirius, who groaned
in his sleep, and pursed her lips together tightly. “Though Sirius
is going to stay awhile longer.” James closed his eyes. I tried to
keep from wailing. I was causing everyone this much pain because I
had a crush on a girl? I was a monster in more than one way, I
thought.

I stood and followed Rachel to the door. James stayed, staring at
Sirius with a look that was either sadness or anger – or both.

Rachel didn't say anything to me almost the whole walk to the common
room. Finally, when we arrived at the Fat Lady, she turned to me,
arms crossed.

“It was you, wasn't it.” Rachel said, looking at me with teary
eyes. “You hurt Sirius like that. It was you.” I stared at her in
shock. How did she know? How did she figure that out?

“How – how did you -” was all I managed to say. Rachel threw
up her arms in frustration, tears rolling down her cheeks swiftly.

“When we were in the library that first time, you started freaking
out and muttering about a monster and staying away. At first, I
thought you meant you meant me.” she paused.

I couldn't explain in words exactly how I felt right then. Rachel,
the one and only Rachel Wagner, knew that I was a werewolf. She knew
who I was, and she wasn't going to give me a second thought except to
keep me from Hogwarts and make sure I lived a life as an outcast.
Forever. People would never look at me the same again. I would always
be the freak, the monster, the werewolf.

I felt my life unraveling then. It's not a feeling I could explain
easily, but I felt tugging in my stomach – not the good kind, the
kind that makes you want to puke. I remembered Sirius in the hospital
bed. James telling me that Sirius was as good as dead. Though he
wasn't the least bit mad at me, I knew we would never be friends. I
would never be a Marauder again. The pain in my gut when I realized
it made me want to kill myself.

Finally, Rachel spoke again.

“It wasn't about me. It was about you, Remus, you are the
monster here, not me. You're a freak, and I can't believe I ever
considered -” she shook her head. “It doesn't matter anymore.
Don't expect to meet me in the library. Again. Ever. I should have
listened to Lily and Molly.” Now she wasn't the only one crying. I
felt tears, warm and wet, slipping down my cheeks onto the cold stone
floor.

“Rachel – please -” I pleaded. Rachel just shook her head
furiously, wiping her eyes.

“Don't. Remus, just - don't. Don't invite me to the library, sit
by me in class. I – I just – I just can't. Okay?” I shook my
head, the word don't ringing
in my

“Rachel – I can't – please -”

“STOP!” she screamed. “YOU'RE JUST A FREAK! JUST STOP! YOU'RE
NOT WORTH ANY MORE THAN THE RAT IN THE FREAKING CELLAR! SO YOU
SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO YOUR GUTS THE FIRST TIME IN THE LIBRARY AND
STAYED AWAY.” I was sobbing
now, pleading. But she just
shook her head furiously, wiping her eyes.

“Rachel -”

“Don't talk to me again. Freak.”

And she turned away, mumbled “pygmy puffs,” the password, and
walked briskly into the common room and up the stairs to the girls'
dormitories. And then it struck me.

She wasn't going to speak to me again. Ever.