Hey, I'm Harry. Or whatever those bitches call me. Like Hairy. U know what, yes, I'm Hairy Portter and welcome 2 my stupid life. It's as shitty as it gets.

First of all, my parents died in a freaking car crash, so that's all my backstory. Yet, now I'm living with my damn Uncle and his stick wife and fucking son of a cow, Dudley. What a great life, yes I know, amazing. Once diddikins threw all my clothes in the damn bin, so what did it do? Punch him of course. Right in that freaking fat stomach of his.

Yet, now I sit in the cupboard under the stairs, spiders crawling over my face and dust making me faint.

"GET OUTTA THE DAMN CUPBOARD, POTTER!" Mr Coward  (Mr Dursley, my uncle) calls to me from the kitchen and i swing open the door to the cupboard and storm into the dining room. Samenold, same old. Diddikins sits, his fat ass moulding over the seat. I roll my eyes and instantly walk over to do the fucking servant stuff.

"Hurry up, boy, get my breakfast ready!!!"

"Yes, nigga," I say and slomp about 100 pancakes each onto diddikins and Coward's plate. As for Stick, i gave that skinny bitch only two. And the crumbs for me :/

Later, i just sat in my "room" (fuck them dursleys, when ever will i get a real room? Dickydiddikons has 2!!) and played with my soldierss till i slayed my soldiers.

The next day, i totally 4got it was diddykins birthday. As i walked into the living room, i sweared at the ammount of presents filling the entire room.

"How many r there???" Dicky-diddy-kins asked.

"36," Coward replied.

"36? BUT LAST YEAR, LAST YEAR I HAD THIRT-THIRTY-SEVEN!!"

"fuck u," i muttered and rolled my eyes.

I then figger out i had to come along with them 2 da zoo. Fuck, i dont even wanna go, but i did, and thats when i found out i had to go with spikes, duddikins bestie. He is a fucking son of a bitch nigga, like crabbe and goyle. Oh sry, 2 far?? Udk them yet, right...nor do i...

So we arrive at the zoo and 2 be honest, i saw a pretty hot girl it wasnt dat bad, with spikes and diddykins together the whole time, but i never got 2 beat dem up. Lol, jk. They never got 2 break my jaw.

I came across a snake and WHAT THE FUCK IT SPEAKS??? ...it was scary so i got the fuck outta there, leaving dat shit behind. But really, i didnt move and i '​​​​​​"spoke a different language without realising i was" Suddenly, dickyduddykins came over and SHOVED me over. Then, the grass disappeard (duh) and dickyduddykins fell in!! Oh no!!! Honestly, the moment i landed dat front door step, if i had my pocket knife, this wouldnt be happening.

Diddy kins screams like a fucking bitch and Snakey slithers over and says,

"thankssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, and like, sssssssssssssssssslay"

"slay 2 u 2, my friend,"

Sooo what happened after that is Mr Coward basically murdered me and locked me up. Mr Coward is damn right furious and meanwhile, diddykins is being smothered by Stick as the fat ass spoilt nigga he is.