Ever since Dad disappeared, Mom hasn't been the same. And yeah, they both treated me like shit. I haven't forgotten how Dad locked me in the closet while I was sobbing and hyperventilating because he just didn't want to deal with me, or how Mom hit me with random objects: a shoe, a clothhanger. I used to plug up my ears with my fingers because their yelling pierced right into my brain, scratching at them until my ears started bleeding. All of that shit, it happened and it's real. Generational abuse and trauma, disguised as fucking "culture." That's bullshit. I know now that healthy, well-adjusted adults know the immorality of literally beating up your kid. 

Still, I can't help but feel bad for Mom. To be honest, she fought with Dad so often, I don't know why she's even upset. But I guess he was as much her scapegoat as I was. After he disappeared, we downsized and moved to a new town. Mom works now (she used to be a SAHM) and she goes every day, almost all day. She still drops me off at school, but I figure out food and homework and shit to do after. Usually, I go to clubs until someone can drop me off, or I'll walk home myself. It's surprisingly easy to make some disgusting, edible creation out of the mess in the refridgerator. 

Anyways, I talked to my school therapist for the first time today. I guess my counselor got suspicious of me sticking around campus all day, and showing up crying and bruised and bleeding. She referred me to the therapist. I tried not to reveal too much, but if I'm being honest, I don't know how much more of this bullshit I can take. I'm so fucking tired. 

I'm dreaming about college again. It's been my childhood dream to escape this place, to go away somewhere far and learn and be surrounded by a community of peers like me. That's partially why I work so hard in school. Hopefully, just a few more years, and I'll be out of here. 

God, I used to dream about Hogwarts. The whole Harry Potter series- I formed such an attachment to those books, thinking someone finally understood me. Too bad the author's a fucking TERF. I wish I'd seen that coming. The irony of some blonde bitch white woman's performative activism actually showing me representation in her books, just to rip it away again with her anti-queer bullshit. Well, I'm going to a real college in just a few more years, and I'll be out in all my queer glory. Take that, Rowling.