Tamaki (Narrating) - Only those with excellent social standing, and those from filthy rich families, are lucky enough to spend their time here, at the elite, private school, Ouran Academy. The Ouran Host Club is where the schools handsomest boys with too much time on their hands, entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful.

• doors open*

Host Club - Welcome, ladies.

Tamaki - So, which cup would my Princess like her tea? The Foley? The Worcester? Or perhaps the Susie Cooper Gardenia?

Girl - Beautiful. These are English antiques aren't they? Which one do you like, Tamaki?

Tamaki - Which one? Well, none of these compare to my Princess.

Girl - Oh, wow. I don't really know what to say.

Kaoru - You mean you've never been to Covent Garden?

Girl - No. All of our antiques are from Portobello.

Hikaru - I think you'd like Covent Garden. Most of our Victorian pieces are from there.

• Kaoru spills hot tea and burns his finger*

Hikaru - Kaoru! *kisses Kaoru's finger* Honestly, Kaoru. you have to be more careful. From now on, keep your eyes on me, okay?

Kaoru - Yes, Hikaru.

Girl 1 - Ah, I can't take it. It's overwhelming.

Girl 2 - You have to watch this. You mat not get another chance. Who knows when it will happen again.

Kyoya - You're absolutely right, mademoiselle. All beauty is fleeting. Just take a look at these cherry blossoms. You'll never be able to see them this vibrant again. And that's why, I've compiled this picture book that contains photos that capture the beauty of each passing day. Incidentally, I have similar books of the other hosts as well. And if you ladies are interested in collecting all four of them, I'll discount the full set.

Girl 2 - I'll take them!

Girl 1 - Me too, please!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Well, now we know how the club makes extra money.

Hikaru - But I have to wonder,

Kaoru - When did he take pictures of us?

Haruhi - {Should I say something to him?}

Everyone - .........................

Mori - Mitsukuni...you over did it.

Haruhi - {He told him.}

Honey - *starts to cry*

Girl 1 - Honey, I'll take it! It looks so yummy! *gulp gulp*

Girl 2 - It's just the right amount for both of us. Any more would be too much. How did you know? You never cease to amaze us.

Honey - *smile* Really?

Haruhi - *sigh*

Haruhi - *deep breath*

Tamaki - Haruhi.

Haruhi - Huh?

Tamaki - How are you doing? Are you having a good time?

Haruhi - Tamaki-Senpai...

Tamaki - The flower-viewing reception is going over quite well. But even so, it's rather daunting to spend more time being admired than doing the admiring.

Haruhi - Oh, wow, Senpai. You're blooming in more ways than one.

Tamaki - You noticed! Yes, today, my beauty is quite splendorous. I'm in full bloom. I bet you'll fall for me soon.

Haruhi - {I swear, this guy must live his life completely unaware of the hardships of this world.}

Hikaru and Kaoru - So Haruhi, have you decided your elective courses for this term?

Kaoru - How about Conversational French?

Haruhi - I don't know...

Hikaru - I think the three of us should take it together. It makes perfect sense.

Hikaru and Kaoru - We are in the same class.

Tamaki - *sulks by tree* Say, Mommy dear...

Kyoya - What is it now, Daddy?

Tamaki - I have a new theory. I mean, it's just my hypothesis, but it seems that by being in the same class, Hikaru and Kaoru are able to spend more time with Haruhi than I get to here at the club. This gives them the chance to get close to her, and if that happens,

Kyoya - Tamaki, you just now realized that?

Tamaki - GAHAGAHGAHAGAHAGH!!

Kyoya - According to my research, in a single day, the twins spend roughly nine hours of class time with Haruhi. Meanwhile, your contact with her is limited to a couple of hours of club activities. In other words, your involvement in Haruhi's life each day amounts to no more than a mere three percent-

Tamaki - Aah! I don't wanna hear it! I don't wanna hear it! *grabs Haruhi* Listen, Haruhi! I want you to stop hanging out with those shady twins from now on!

Hikaru - Who you calling shady?

Kaoru - Yeah. Take a look at yourself, boss!

Tamaki - *gasp* Yes...that's it...Alright then! We can't go on hiding the fact that you're a girl from everyone in the school any longer! All Daddy wants is for you to go back to the girl you used to be, when you surrounded yourself with girlfriends and started living a wholesome life!

Haruhi - Who are you calling Daddy?

Tamaki - So do it! Change back now! Change back now!

Hikaru - You don't have to rush things. She's going to be found out soon enough.

Kaoru - Physical exams are the day after tomorrow.

Haruhi - Physical...exams?

Kyoya - That's right. I forgot all about it.

Haruhi - Then that means...there's no doubt...they're gonna know...I'm really a girl.

Everyone: GAHHH

Tamaki - Haruhi! *Haruhi's in the girls school uniform* HAHAHA! Been waiting long? What's the matter? You look a little down.

Haruhi - I can't help it. Everyone keeps staring at me for some reason. I'm so embarrassed.

Tamaki - *holds Haruhi in his arms* They're looking at you because you are lovely. Don't you worry, I promise that I will protect you no matter what.

Haruhi - Oh, Senpai...That makes me feel better. Thank you. I mean it.

• Tamaki opes his eyes and we find out it's just a day dream*

(In Tamaki's mind)

Haruhi - I'm in love-love with you, Tamaki-Senpai.

Tamaki - HAHAHAH! Oh, you!

(back to reality)

Honey - He must be having a great day dream.

Hikaru - He's kind of creeping me out.

Tamaki - Envious, Hikaru? This is all part of my strategy. While you boys did your time blinded by your jealousy, I foresee the outcome of this charade. Aah. This anime is obviously a romantic school comedy. Haruhi and I are the main characters. So that means we are love interests.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Yeah, then what are we?

Tamaki - You boys, are the homosexual supporting cast. *draws magic line with stick* So please make sure that you don't step across this line.

Hikaru and Kaoru - You've gotta be kidding.

Hikaru - Hey, listen boss.

Kaoru - I don't think you get it.

Honey - If word gets out that Haru-Chan is really a girl, then she won't be able to be in the Host Club anymore.

Tamaki - Gah....

Honey - But if Haru-Chan started wearing girls clothes, I bet she'd be even cuter than she is now.

Hikaru - She dressed like a normal girl when she was in middle school right? She must have been pretty popular with all the boys.

Kyoya - Yeah. According to my investigated reports, someone would declare their undying love to her at least once a month.

Kaoru - Oh, I see. So the boss wouldn't even be able to get close to her.

Hikaru - But we could because we're in class with her all day long.

Tamaki - No way...

Haruhi - *opens door* Hey, guys. Sorry I'm so late.

Tamaki - *grabs Haruhi* Don't you worry Haruhi. We're determined to keep your secret. No one will find out you're really a girl during tomorrow's physical exams. So please, promise that you will stay our beloved secret Princess!

Haruhi - Sure.

Hikaru - You know what, I think both of us would be a little peeved if we had to watch all the guys flirt with her.

Kaoru - Then that settles it.

Tamaki - Listen up, squad members! At tomorrow's physical exams, position yourselves in A, and then wait for your orders.

Honey - Oh...

Hikaru and Kaoru - Yes, sir!

Haruhi - I've got it. You guys are worried because if they find out I'm a girl, I can't be a host and therefore can't repay my debt. My balance is 5,333,332 yen. Well, guess I'll have to find another way to pay you back. HEHAHAHAHA!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Do something! The subject doesn't appear to have any motivation!

Tamaki - Grr...Why'd we get stuck with such a difficult heroine. Are you saying that you hate being a host!? That you hate this club!?

Haruhi - To be honest, I'd have to say yes.

Tamaki - GAH! *sulks in corner*

Haruhi - I mean, you guys aren't bad, but if it gets out that I'm a girl, there's nothing I can do, ya know?

Hikaru - She doesn't seem to care one way or the other.

Kaoru - Well, before we do anything else, we have to find out a way to motivate her.

Mori - Fancy tuna...

Haruhi - *gasp*

Tamaki - Oh, that's right...You didn't get the chance to eat during last episode's party, did you?

Hikaru - Did you hear that? She's never eaten fancy tuna before. Isn't that awful?

Kaoru - Wow. Talk about a difficult childhood.

Honey - If only Haru-Chan could stay in the host club, she'd have the chance to eat all kinds of yummy things whenever she wants.

Haruhi - What are you talking about? Don't be silly. Just 'cause I'm poor and I've never had it, doesn't mean that I'm so much of a glutton that I'd go on fooling everyone about my gender just to try some fancy tuna. HEHEHEHEHE. Am I really gonna get to try it?

Everyone - HAHA! *smile*

PA system - We will begin conducting physical examinations shortly. All students, please proceed to the clinic in your respective school building.

Haruhi - So, what's the deal with of this formation A thing you guys were talking about? What do they do during physical exams here at Ouran anyway?

Hikaru - It's no different than a physical exam you'd get at any other school.

Kaoru - Yeah. Why would a physical exam be any different for us just because we're rich?

Haruhi - Huh. You're right. I didn't think about it that way.

• opens door*

Doctors and Nurses - Welcome, students!

Haruhi - Uh...W-What...What is all this?

Hikaru - Just another physical exam.

Kaoru - The usual.

Haruhi - The usual?

Nurse 1 - Excuse me, Hitachiin Brothers, please follow this way to have your height measured.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Sure thing.

Nurse 2 - Mr. Fujioka, I'm your nurse for the physical exams for this afternoon.

Haruhi - Okay.

Nurse 2 - Please, come this way.

Girl 1 - Why are Honey and Mori dressed as doctor's?

Girl 2 - I don't know.

Haruhi - Honey-Senpai! Mori-Senpai!

Honey and Mori - Shhh!

Haruhi - They're so obvious.

Kyoya - I've brought those two for backup just in case something happens.

Haruhi - But why are they in doctor disguises?

Kyoya - They're just helping to set the mood. disguises make our operation feel more like a real espionage mission.

Haruhi - Huh?

Doctor - Wow, Miss Shiramine, you've lost two whole kilograms since this time last year.

Nurses - Wow! *clapping*

Shiramine - That's so good to hear! I thought for sure I was heavier!

Doctor - Not at all. Keep it up and you'll be even healthier next year. Good work.

Haruhi - Don't you think it's weird, that these doctors are all so jovial and nice?

Kyoya - They're chosen by the schools chairman. This may be a school, but it's also a business. Therefore, he wants to keep the students happy. After all, most of the students that attend Ouran Academy, come from prominent families that have their own private doctors at home. So this is just a formality.

Haruhi - {These damn rich people...}

Dr. Yabu - *bumps into Kyoya* I-I'm terribly sorry.

Kyoya - No problem. ...Huh?

Nurse - Hitachiin brothers, would you please come with me, we are ready to do your chest measurements.

Girls - ^///^

Nurse - You can use the area behind this curtain to undress.

Hikaru - Doesn't matter to me.

Kaoru - We're not shy. Who needs a curtain?

• fangirl screams*

Kyoya - See, Haruhi? A rather impressive turn out today. Physical exam day is quite popular with the ladies.

Haruhi - {What's wrong with the girls at this school?}

Hikaru - I won't allow it. It's just not fair. I won't let those doctors touch you, Kaoru.

Kaoru - Hm. What are you talking about? You don't seem to have a problem touching me when we play doctor at home. I can't get you to stop tickling me and toying with my body.

• fangirls scream louder*

Honey - Come on, Haru-Chan, this way!

• Honey and Mori shove Haruhi into the changing room and she lands within Tamaki's arms*

Tamaki - I've been waiting for you, my princess.

Haruhi - *falls to the ground* Tamaki-Senpai...

Tamaki - Heh. You're so cute when you're surprised.

Nurse - Mr. Fujioka, it's time for us to take your chest measurements. Once you finish disrobing, would you please come with me?

Tamaki - This is it. The inevitable moment has arrived. You just sit back here and wait Haruhi.

Haruhi - But what are you gonna do?

Tamaki - *puts finger on Haruhi's lips* Don't you worry. I'll protect you. I promise I'll protect you Haruhi.

Nurse - Mr. Fujioka, are you ready to be measured now?

Tamaki - Yes. *Tamaki comes out with a brown wig on and tries to pass off as Haruhi* I am Haruhi Fujioka.

Everyone - ...

Girl 1 - Wait, that's Tamaki.

Girl 2 - There's no denying it. That's defiantly Tamaki.

Girl 3 - Is he cosplaying as Haruhi?

Girl 4 - What's going on? Is he trying to be funny?

Hikaru and Kaoru - *laughter*

Hikaru - I can't believe he actually did it!

Kaoru - They recognized him! I told you they would see through it!

Tamaki - GAHWAH! *trows wig on ground and grabs Hikaru by the neck* You jerks! You said there was no way the girls would be able to tell it was me!

Hikaru - It's payback for calling us the homosexual supporting cast! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tamaki - (to Haruhi) I'm sorry. They figured it out.*smile*

• Haruhi gives Tamaki the evil eye*

Tamaki - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Haruhi - *sigh* {Just as I thought. Tamaki-Senpai lives in his own carefree little world.} *feels hand on her shoulder*

Kyoya - Haruhi, ready? I went ahead and set up a room for you. A special boy's clinic, and I have a doctor standing by sworn to secrecy.

Hikaru - It turns out the doctors here today, are all on staff at one of Kyoya-Senpai's family hospitals.

Kaoru - Would have been nice if he would have said something to us earlier.

Kyoya - I had to get my revenge too. I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm supporting cast. Homosexual or otherwise.

Girl 1 - Is there something wrong?

Girl 2 - Check it out. Tamaki's eroding away.

Girl 3 - Wow.

Tamaki - Haruhi is...angry with me...

• knock, knock, knock*

Nurse - Come in.

• door opens*

Nurse - Hello, Mr. Fujioka. I've been made aware of your situation. If wouldn't mind, please disrobe for me over there.

Haruhi - Sure.

Girl 1 - I'm telling the truth!

Honey, Kyoya and Mori - Hm?

Girl 1 - One of the doctors grabbed me by the shoulder, he was trying to make a pass at me! I've never been so terrified!

Girl 2 - Wow, how scary!

Girl 3 - Do you think it was a pervert.

Kyoya - I had a feeling this might happen.

Honey - What do you mean?

Kyoya - A bit earlier today, I saw a strange man, wearing a white lab coat, but clearly not one of our hospitals doctors, and I thought he was a little odd.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Shouldn't you have said something sooner!?

Kyoya - Well, it's no big deal. I'm sure the security guard will catch him.

Doctor - Tell me Miss, did you happen to notice where the pervert doctor was headed?

Girl 1 - Yes, Sir. He ran off to the special boy's clinic.

Hosts - GAH! HARUHI!

• Haruhi starts taking off her shirt when she hears the curtain open and sees a strange person wearing a white lab coat*

Haruhi - Excuse me...

Yabu - *gasp* *puts hand over Haruhi's mouth* No! It's not what you think! Please just keep quiet!

Tamaki - Haruhi!

Yabu - *gasp*

Tamaki - Tama-Chan kick!

• Tamaki kicks Yabu into the wall*

Hikaru and Kaoru - One...Good looks that attract the public eye.

Kyoya - Two...More wealth than you can imagine.

Mori - Three.. Chivalry that will never be able to overlook.

Honey - The hideous wickedness of this world.

• Tamaki put his shirt on Haruhi*

Tamaki - That's what makes up the Ouran Host Club!

Host Club - We are here! Watch out!

Yabu - AH! Please don't hurt me! *bows* Spare me my life!

Haruhi - Uh...

"Suddenly, it's his life story."

Yabu - I'm a doctor. I have a small emergency medical clinic that I run in the next town over. My name is Yabu.

Hikaru - Did he say his name is Yabu?

Kaoru - That's crazy. What a terrible name for a doctor.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Unless you're quack.

Yabu - I know. I'm here because I was hoping to see my daughter. My wife left me last month and took my daughter with her. But I know that she attends school here.

Haruhi - I don't mean to pry or anything, but why did your wife and daughter leave you?

Yabu - Well, you see, (quoting wife) I'm sick of this! You let someone give you and IOU again! You promised us you wouldn't do that anymore! (himself) Don't worry dear. I know this guys good for us. You can trust him. Everything will be alright. (quoting daughter) I can't take this anymore! Dad, you never think of the welfare of our family! (wife) I'm going home to mother! (himself) No! Please! Wait! (back to the present) And that was it. They left me, forever. I know I'm terrible at managing our money, and I can't say no to anybody. I don't blame them for being tired of constantly living in debt.

Tamaki - *crying at the touching story*

Yabu - But I wanted to see my daughter one more time, so I cam here. After being pelted by rain and wandering the streets, I finally made it to your school. Once I entered I was mistaken for a doctor here to examine students.

Hikaru - Well, of course. You're wearing a lab coat.

Kaoru - Anyone would mistake you.

Yabu - And then it happened. Excuse me Miss, I'm looking for my daugh-

Girl - AAHH!

Yabu - When I tried to ask her about my daughter, the girl started screaming! And before I knew it, there were all kinds of people chasing me!

Tamaki - That's so tragic!

Kyoya - Dr. Yabu, I think you may have the wrong place. Are you looking for Ouran Public High School?

Yabu - Yeah. That's right.

Kyoya - I figure that might be the case. This is Ouran Academy. A private institution. Your daughter doesn't go to school here.

Yabu - GAH!

Hikaru - Man, that's pretty sad. You don't even know what school your daughter goes to?

Kaoru - I bet your relationship is messed up because you don't pay attention to her. Not because of some stupid debt.

Honey - Wow Kyo-Chan! I'm impressed that you figured out he had the wrong school.

Kyoya - Well, there's no way the daughter of such a small time doctor, would ever be able to get into Ouran Academy.

Haruhi - Hm.

Tamaki - Kyoya, would you please find a map of all the public school's in this area? I'd like to help this man find his daughter.

Kyoya and Haruhi - Huh?

Kyoya - Whatever you say.

Hikaru - Are you sure about this?

Kaoru - After all, even if he does manage to find his daughter, there's no guarantee she'll want to speak to him.

Tamaki - Well then, that's something he'll have to find out for himself.

Haruhi - *gasp* ................................................................I'm sorry about this you guys, but could you please leave?

Everyone - GAH!

Tamaki - Haruhi, are you still angry with me? You're not thinking of quitting the Host Club are you?

Haruhi - HAHA. Don't be stupid Senpai. I've just got to finish my physical exam. As a male student of course. Oh, but let me explain, I'm not doing this because you're bribing me with food.*smile* I'm doing it to pay off my debt.

Tamaki - *gasp* *blush* You're so cute Haruhi! *glomps Haruhi* I can see right through you! You know you're just after that fancy tuna! But it's so cute-

Haruhi - Cut it out, Senpai! Ah, hey don't touch me there!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Red card!

Hikaru - Looks like Tamaki-Senpai

Kaoru - is a real pervert.

Haruhi - Who cares! Would you guys just get out of here!