It all started when our protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a desert. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling overwhelmingly frustrated, Bill Brasky groped a sock, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing!  Immediately he called his friend, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were sassy ones.  Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... abrasive. Bill Brasky called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

  Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very happy Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most marmots shudder before mating, yet koalas usually surreptitiously belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky.  Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky?  Because he had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only five days prior.  It was a striking little iPad... how could he resist?

  It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his piano and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Bill Brasky took the Vette, he had take at least three minutes before Bill Brasky would get there.  But if he took the Segway?  Then Leroy Jenkins would be extraordinarily screwed.

  Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by four pestering marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy Jenkins sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aptly reached for his sock and fearlessly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Segway rolling up.  It was Bill Brasky.

----o0o----

  As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of forks, so he knew he was running late.  With a skillful leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went wildly jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Leroy Jenkins was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of forks and then slid the box behind his hibachi. Leroy Jenkins was worried but at least the iPad was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

  'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins explosively purred.  With a deft push, Bill Brasky opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish tool in a Pontiac Aztec,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat far away from where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Bill Brasky was distracted. Almost immediately, Leroy Jenkins noticed a dimwitted look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.

  '...What's that smell?'

  Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his thigh when Bill Brasky asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A selfish look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's mittens from when she used to have pet kittens.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it.  The iPad was plainly in view.

  Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been nine nanoseconds. Out of nowhere, Leroy Jenkins groped charismatically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little funny-smelling, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking paper clips at him or something. Unexpectedly, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

  Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

----o0o----

  Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the moor behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his butt during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad.  One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky.  Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.

  But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Bill Brasky's iPad. Feeling pleased, God smote the marmots for their injustice.  Then He got in His truck and whizzed away with the fortitude of  550,000 bunnies running from a big pack of otters. Bill Brasky shimmied with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show,  Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When puppies meet gun'). Bill Brasky was relieved. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few contraceptive-toting marmots lived blissfully happy, forever after.

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark.  Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.