Potter- And they're off! Fourteen players rise into the air for the 427th Quidditch World Cup final!

Skeeter-Neville Longbottom is already on his feet cheering, even though nothing has really happened yet. Is he drunk?

Potter-  The Quaffle is in Brazil's possession but slick defence from Draganov and Vulchanov has so far prevented them from scoring. Flores, Diaz and Alonso are relentless, ducking and weaving as they try to find a way past the Bulgarian Beaters.

Skeeter- Luna Lovegood appears to be passing out some kind of snack to her friends in the VIP box. Some might hesitate to accept baked goods from Lovegood, whose schoolgirl nickname, I am reliably informed, was [Redacted on behalf of Miss Lovegood]

Potter-An excellent intercept by Bulgarian Chaser Levski and Bulgaria are streaking towards the goal – thrown to Vassileva – ouch! Even the Brazilians groaned in sympathy there as a Bludger hit Vassileva hard in the throat. She drops the Quaffle, which is caught by Flores. Brazil are back in possession! 

Skeeter-Neville Longbottom is laughing hard at something that Harry Potter has leaned across and whispered to him. What is so amusing? Why such an open display of humour in full view of the public? Surely Potter is aware that everybody in the stadium can see him? Is it not rather elitist to enjoy 'private' jokes with fellow celebrities when people in the cheap seats cannot hear them?

Potter-And it's first blood to Brazil with a spectacular goal from Flores!

Skeeter-Albus Potter has almost toppled out of the VIP box cheering his Quidditch hero. His uncle Ronald seized the back of his robes and saved him from what would surely have been a death of international significance, spawning news stories across the wizarding world. Brother James is laughing heartily (did he push his brother?). Harry Potter appears completely unconcerned, merely handing his second son one of 'Loony' Lovegood's treats.

Potter-Draganov and Vulchanov are successfully disrupting the Brazilian Chasers, preventing the formidable trio from scoring a second goal, but Bulgaria is relying far too much on their defence and their last touch of the Quaffle resulted in a drop and fumble by Grozda. No sign of the Snitch so far.

Skeeter-Harry Potter is cheering every well-hit Bulgarian Bludger, whereas his supposed best friend Ronald Weasley appears to be gnashing his teeth in chagrin. Hermione Granger is yawning. Whether she intends to convey boredom, or is merely exhausted after Dumbledore's Army's long night of noisy revelry in the VIP section of the campsite, her Argentinian hosts can only be offended by such blatant rudeness.

Potter-Bogomil Levski breaks through the Brazilian defence and equalises! Ten all! 

Skeeter-Head of the Department of Magical Transportation Percy Weasley is frowning as he follows the match. Greying and balding, he has aged considerably since the Battle of Hogwarts (where, of course, he became the unfortunate embodiment of the phrase 'better late than never'). Unkind political opponents may call him a 'nit-picking bureaucrat', but others go as far as to say that he is 'not that bad once you get to know him'. 

Potter-A sudden burst of quick-fire Quaffle passes has resulted in a brace of goals for Brazil, whose Chasers are tearing up and down the pitch. Gonçalo Flores has scored twice more and Fernando Diaz once, taking the score to 40-10. Bulgaria are making too many careless mistakes and need to take the offensive. Brazil looking far the stronger team at this point.

Skeeter-Charlie Weasley – or 'The Unmarried Weasley' as he is often known - is a burly chap carrying several burns due to his work with dragons. Like his sister-in-law Hermione 'Bored Yawn' Granger, he is paying little attention to the match, preferring what seems to be a most interesting talk with Rolf Scamander, husband of 'Loony' Lovegood. How difficult it has been to marry 'into' Dumbledore's Army we can only speculate. Nobody who witnessed it will ever forget the shock on Scamander's face when he saw Lovegood's wedding dress – rainbows, spangles and a tiara of silver unicorn horns, voted 'Most Hideous Outfit of the Year' by readers of my regular Daily Prophet column. While Lovegood and Scamander appear to be holding hands in the VIP box, this might well be because Rolf is trying to prevent his wife from putting on one of her famous Special Event Hats.