It's come to my attention that I never did tell yall as much as I said I would. I have a little time rn and I want to rant. Sit back cause there is a lot of drama.

I had to move. That was mentioned previously,  but I need yall to understand the full scale at which this moved destroyed me mentally.

We moved several states away. And I wasn't informed about it until, after my high-school season ended. Not this past one, the one before that. I had my last meet with that team, but had no idea at the time.

This high-school season sucked. I mean, I love the girls. They keep me going and inspire me to be better, but I didn't like my head coach, or 1 of our assistant coaches. I might drama dump about them later, but idk yet. Anyway, I, didn't know at the time, had EXTREME SEVERE DEPRESSION while in the middle of the season. I didn't know then. I do now. The reason for THAT was that when a fast swimmer stops dropping time like they used to, they develop the fear of plateauing in swim. I had this fear. I am not plateauing, but was depressed that I was. I had a panic attack at our section prelims and would have podiumed if it had not been for that. 

I have had several panic attacks before, but didn't realize they were panic attacks until after my section one. Most of them are swim related. The ones that aren't are about the general fear of life and time. Which is another thing that my depression hits me with as well.

My 5k I had mentioned before!! I did come in last. I'm fine with it. It did take me over an hour, that's fine. Did I have massive problems after the race and perform poorly for the team rely the next day, yes. BUT, I finished. And I proved my coach wrong. Funny thing was that my last lap was the fastest. Which is like never heard of, and this is because I was considering giving up, but then was filled with indescribable amounts of spite and anger that I swam my ass off and finished the race.

High-school swimming is WEIRD HERE!!!! The girls swim in the fall, and guys swim in the winter. It's messing with me. We also can't swim high-school and club at the same time. Which sucks.

My club team brought me out of my depression for a while. I got faster and raced at practice and I love my club team. A bunch of girls who were on my high-school team are on my club team!! I have dropped time significantly since joining. I am looking at colleges and it scares me.

I am... confused. I think I like a guy on my club team, but I don't know what to do about it????? Like I'm not sure he likes me, but there have been some instances where it seems like he does. I. I don't know what to do. Help. I'm not good with people, I like reading and listening to music and not social interactions.

Please don't laugh.

Also if you read this, I am happy that my life and stories entertain you.