I had already begun writing before I found this website and I started because I was plagued by my dreams, memories and nightmares about my past. Many are a long time ago but they seem like yesterday. 1978 onwards.

It started with my uncle, Prof S Snape. His words in my ears, a faint yet recognisable face of caring, understanding and of course a little fearsome. To start with I was so happy to be thinking of him, I felt that cozy feeling of being truly loved by someone. However as time went on the memories of death and distruction consumed me. 

His death lead my thoughts onto my mother. As a 3yr old I don't remember much of her other than a loving form in my life but I do remember her death, as I suppose you would. Perhaps it is something that I'd pushed to the back of my mind but it was so clear that I would wake the house with my screams. My feelings about her are possibly unrealistic as I have designed her as I probably want her to be but nobody has told me that I'm wrong.

I couldn't stop it. No longer were the nightmares of my uncle and my mother but it seemed to play out into other people.

For some reason I didn't feel for the death of my father. He had rarely been in my life and yet when when he returned I felt some strange obligation towards him. In a strange way, what others found as dark days I actually found as quite uplifting days with a reconection to a family member that had... only been away. I guess I knew somewhere deep down that it was highly likely that he would die fairly soon and I didn't have to feel the same way for him as I did my uncle, who throughout my life had been my rock and only family.

I've never missed out I've never been put on a peddlestool although I have been wrapped in cotten wool many times. Although it was quite neccesary as it was to do with my health. lol.

In the last 6mths the dreams have lifted. I won't say they've gone but I don't get plagued by them and I feel as though I have had an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel very free. 

Lou xxx