“You are different then a lot of other people your age” He commented 

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” I asked 

“It’s a good thing, you seem older than you are, you're more confident, powerful, mature, and smart than other people your age. You’re like a teenager” 

“Maybe I am” I laughed “Mattheo, stop standing on the staircase and come up” I called and he appeared a second later “You eavesdropping?”

He lifted his hands in the air “Guilty as charged” 

“How did you know he was there?” Theo asked 

“His mind is offly loud this morning” 

“Why are you in my mind in the first place?” He asked

“Like I said, it is loud”

“How long were you listening?” Theodore asked

“Since you started talking about your predicament pertaining to stuff with our fathers” 

Theodore nodded “And what is your opinion?” 

Mattheo glanced at me “I’ll leave if you want” I offered 

“No, it’s ok, you can stay” Mattheo assured “To answer your question I say do what you want and what you’ll be happiest with but in the end if you join, your going to probably have to hurt people in ways you don’t want to, you might become someone you don’t like, so just think about that” 

I looked down and thought about what Mattheo had said, he was right,  even if I was not a Death Eater yet I knew what it was like, I knew what the missions were like. “You say that as if you know what it’s like, yet you're not one?” Theo commented

“Just because we aren’t them yet doesn’t mean we don’t know what it’s like. We grew up around him and others. We are given missions and we see things, trust us, trust Mattheo, what he said is true” 

“What did he make you do?” 

I looked down at the floor and all the images from the various things he made us do, made me do, came flying back to me. Mattheo looked at me, he knew what I was seeing, he was reading my mind. “He made us kill people” Mattheo answered quietly

“Y/n too?” He asked and I nodded slightly “How do you deal with that?”

“I don’t, I can’t” I answered quietly 

“I punch things and get drunk, I get my anger, my emotions out by hurting more people and it’s just a loop, Y/n keeps it in and has a million voices in her head, it drives her and me and probably Thomas crazy sometimes” 

“I’m going to breakfast” I commented then left. I went into the Great Hall and sat alone at the end of the Ravenclaw table. When the bell rang I went to class I had transfiguration and just like all my other classes it was boring and easy. I went to my next class then lunch then I went to my classes then back to my dorm. 

The first week flew by but at the same time it felt like a million years. Thomas visited me a couple times. Apparently he went to classes but never slept in his dorm or went to meals. 

Today had been going fine. It was a Saturday afternoon and I had just gotten back from lunch when I found Thomas in my room. He was standing out on the balcony. He grabbed me and blindfolded me then I felt him disapparate with me. I couldn’t see anything. He pushed me to the ground then did something. I suddenly couldn’t hear anything, feel anything, or smell anything. Then I could but the things I was seeing had already happened. It was all my worst memories, all the people I had killed, all the bad things, all the things I hated about myself. Then I saw all my fears and everything that I feared would happen. It was the complete worst. Then everything went black again and when I could see again I was in my bed, no one else was in the room. I wanted to forget everything I had just seen but I couldn’t. It was starting to get dark outside. How long had I been gone or out? I went to the astronomy tower to find Theodore. He was there and he was alone. I went to him and he looked at me surprised. “Why didn’t you come to dinner?” He asked “Mattheo was worried about you” 

“I was… I fell asleep I guess” 

“You guess?” 

“Yeah, I don’t remember much just waking up from a nightmare” 

“You ok?” He asked 

“Do you have any firewhisky?, I could really use some” 

“Why?”

“I want some” 

“Fine, but if your brothers find out, I am telling then you asked for it” 

“Fair” I shrugged and he gave it to me. I drank it and it burned but I dealt with it. It didn’t feel the same as the last time, I felt in complete control, I didn’t feel drunk at all. Of course Mattheo came up and saw me. I saw he was angry and he glanced at Theo “I asked for it” I replied looking at his face.

“Why? Are you ok?”

“No, I am never ok” I replied 

“What happened?”

“Lets just say I took a trip down memory lane”

He came closer to me and grabbed the bottle and drained the rest of it. I rolled my eyes. I saw he was looking at my arm. “What did you do?” He asked, grabbing my wrist and pulling up the sleeve to reveal my forearm. It was turning black like the way it happens with black eyes and there were cuts on it. 

“I didn’t do anything, it was all Thomas or someone else who works for dad” Theo was eyeing it now and both of their eyes were bigger “It doesn’t hurt”

“What did they do?” He asked, his tone growing cold

I looked down “They made me see all my worst memories, every person I have harmed, my fears, my insecurities” I felt a tear fall down my cheek and I wiped it away and slid down to my knees and then brought my legs in and hugged them then put my head down. I was done with everything, completely done.