Harry Marksenson

I thank Zach again for dropping me off, and he thanks me again for jump starting his car. He drives off, and I open the garage to find my parents car parked there. I walk inside and find my dad in the living room, and my mom in the kitchen. “Hey honey, we got home a few minutes ago. Where were you?” My mom asks, and I see she’s making some sandwiches. “Oh I was just at Zach’s,” “That boy seems nice.” She says starting another sandwich. “Yeah, he is.” I smile and open the fridge behind her. “So what we’re you doing over there.” “He stayed over last night, and his car wouldn’t start this morning so I gave him a ride in mine, then fixed his car and drove it back to his house.” I grab an apple and start eating it. “That’s really nice of you, Harry” she says and pats me on the back, then goes to sit by my dad.  I down the hallways towards my room, my phone his still in my pocket and I pull it out. There is a new text from Zach about 1 minute ago:

I forgot to tell you but I think Ester and Hunter are FINALLY getting together

I call him and he answers right away. His hair is wet and I take it he just got out of the shower. “What do you mean together,” I ask him. Ever since I met them I could tell they we drawn to each other. It was obvious, and Zach agreed with me 100%. “I mean together-together, before you got here with my car, I rode my bike to Hunters house and he told me he really liked her and asked me if he should ask Ester to the school dance thing and I told him yes. Then the same thing happened with Ester, she told me she liked him and asked me if she should ask him to the dance and I told her yes. I think they are going together. They are both asking each other tomorrow.” He talks so fast I barely catch the last part, “It’s about time,” I laugh and he smiles, which makes me smile. “So do you have anyone your taking to the dance?” He asks me. I pause. I’ve never been to a dance with a girl, or even had a girlfriend, or had feelings for a girl. Sure girls have tried to ask me out, mostly since I was on the football team and they just wanted to get closer to Jackson. I always said no, cause I never liked them that way. Then a little though enters my brain. What if I just don’t like girls. “Nope, I uh don’t plan on going. What about you,” my brain is now zoned in on that one single tiny though that entered my head. So much that I barley hear his reply, “Same, I don’t plan on going either.” “Ok, um, cool. I sorta have to go, my parents are home and I have a few uh things I got to get done.” My head is spinning. “Okay, well I’ll talk to you later then, bye.” “Bye,” I drop my phone on the floor, and l lay back on to my bed and close my eyes. The though goes a through my head again. What if I just don’t like girls. I try to block it out, but it doesn’t go away. What if it’s true. What if I like guys, not just as friends but in a romantic way. I always though I hadn’t met the right girl yet, but I was also never open to other possibilities. It never occurred to me I have never actually felt attracted to a girl, but I’ve never really felt attraction at all. Then another though goes through my head. Zach. When I get nervous around him, or really excited when he texts me, or wants to study. Is that what liking someone is like? Oh my God. I like Zach. More than a friends. Maybe I’m not thinking straight. But what if I am, what if I really do like Zach. After all, what’s so bad about that. But what if I’m wrong, maybe I just haven’t found the right girl. But a girl just doesn’t feel right. Every time a girl had genuinely asked me out, I’ve never felt anything back. But when I met Zach, my whole life changed and it became so, so much better. Even if I do like guys, and even if I get my feelings figured out and it is Zach, what’s the chances of him feeling the same way about me. My head is about to explode when there is a knock on my door, and I sit up and try to get a normal expression on my face. “Yeah?” I say, and my door opens slightly, “Hey, have you eaten lunch?” It’s my mom. “Oh, um. No,” “Well I made a extra sandwich, PB and J.” She walks in and hands it to me. I attempt a smile and take a bite. “Your looking a little pale there, are you alright?” Hopefully she can’t see right threw me. “Yeah, I’m completely fine.” I say, trying to bring my smile back. “If you say so,” she turns and walks out, shutting my door. I finish the sandwich and lay back down on my bed. My thoughts are everywhere. I try to think about it harder. I’ve never liked a girl. I have been kissed by a girl before, but I never kissed them back, it was when I was like in second grade and they were dared to. I’ve never though about being gay, but now that I’m actually putting some though into my feelings, I think I might be. When I think about the guys I would like, my brain almost instantly goes to Zach. He is super funny, and nice, and just amazing. His face flashes though my head and a yet another though goes through my mind. He is really good looking. I feel myself blushing, and my face heats up. But we are just friends, he would never like me like that. There is another knock on my door. I sit up and try to act normal once again, “Come in,” it’s my dad. “Hey kid, so remember when I told you your mom has been applying for jobs around the area?” “Yep,” I say. “Well she got hired as an event planner. She will be working from home now.” “That’s great. When does she start?” I say, smiling for real this time. “She starts this Wednesday. So I was thinking, me and you could make that guest room into an office for her as a surprise. Even though she kind of already knows.” He lets out a laugh. “Sure,” “I was thinking after you get back from school tomorrow, we could work on moving the bed down to the basement.” “Okay,” I say. “Okay, well I’m going to take a shower, then a nap. I’m a little jet lagged.” “Alright,“ he shuts my door and my mind starts overthinking once again, straight back to Zach. I can’t help but feeling happy when his face shows up in my head again, when we were at the party, and that movie, and when he hugged me today. My stomach fills with butterflies. And that confirms it. I really do like him. More than a friend. But i highly doubt there are any chances he feels the same way, so I make a deal with myself. I will try to hide my feelings around him. Maybe they will fade and I’ll find some girl, but even when that though goes through my head, it just doesn’t fit. Maybe I will meet some other guy. That thought feels right. I can’t believe I have finally discovered my true sexuality, it honestly feels amazing. But hopefully I can hide my feelings for Zach and maybe I’ll forget them. But what if I can never forget him. We hang out all the time, I’ll be with him and he will be all I can think about-. My thoughts are interrupted again, this time by a text. I slowly pick my phone and look. It’s from Zach, my stomach erupts with butterflies again:

Hey I have a hockey game tonight and was wondering if you would want to come and see me play.

I really, really want to. Maybe I will be good at hiding my feelings and we will be just friends. I respond:

Yeah sure. What time is it at.

He responds almost immediately:

It starts at 7. But I get there at 6:30, I can drive you and you can have your pick of the seats. Most people come closer to game time. You don’t have to pay to get in.

I type as quickly as I can:

Okay, thanks. I should pay you for all the driving you keep doing for me.

He sends the thumbs up and then the laughing emoji. I set my phone down and decide to take a nap myself because my brain is completely exhausted.