Each item I found made me feel like I was ten again and playing around with my brother. It wasn’t filled with stuff I’d left behind like my mom had told me. Instead, it seemed to contain every special memory I’d shared with Nate.

There was my favorite stuffed animal, a dolphin named Kelpie, and his, a Walrus named Splash. Tears welled in my eyes as I remembered all the nights when I couldn’t sleep and Nate had made up stories with them, giving each of them a cute squeaky voice, until I finally ended up dozing off. Or there was the iPod filled with all of our favorite songs. The playlists that we’d danced around the house to and crashed into things. One time we’d even broken Mom’s favorite vase and she’d forbidden music in the house for a month, so we’d had to sneak outside. 

The box had our favorite book that we’d read too many times to count. There was the jar of seashells we’d collected over years of beach trips. I turned the jar over in my hands, studying each shell and sand dollar, and remembering the times when we’d found them. Me holding one in my hand and running over to my brother, shouting “Nate, Nate, look what I found!!” with a huge grin on my face.

“It’s beautiful, Mia,” he’d say, getting down on one knee so we’d be at the same level. “Why don’t you add it to our jar?”

The box had a red frisbee that was beat up and scratched, and so old that the logo had faded away, but we’d loved it. We took it camping with Dad, and tossed it back and forth at the park, or even just in our backyard. We kept a record of how many passes we could do in a row without dropping it, and had almost gotten up to 600. Tears ran down my face as I realized we’d never get past our new record.

The next thing I pulled out of the box was a small cloth bag filled with rocks. I was confused for a moment before I remembered that when we were really young and our parents hadn’t let us get any real pets, we’d drawn little animals on rocks and pretended they were real. I dumped the contents of the bag onto my lap and looked over each rock. There was Nellie the hamster, Kevin the turtle, Whiskers the cat, and Rufus the dog, among others. I held each one for a minute, before dropping them one by one back into the bag. Then I picked up the photo book that was at the bottom of the box.

I flipped through the pages slowly, lingering on each picture. The one of us at the beach, me burying Nate with sand. The one of all of us on a boat that a friendly fisherman had taken. Our fishing pole had fallen in the water and Dad and Nate were leaning over the edge, trying to get it back while I cried about how they were going to fall in and drown. My mom was sitting off the side of the boat, looking like simply being outside was making her sick. The one of me riding on Nate’s shoulders as he ran around the yard, pretending he was an airplane.

I cried even harder when I saw the last photo in the book. I was wearing my high school graduation uniform and hat. Nate was standing next to me, with his arm wrapped around my shoulders. I was grinning and he looked so proud. Like it was him who had just graduated, not his little sister. I remembered that it had been taken only a few weeks before the accident. After I closed the photo book I had to pause for a minute to wipe the tears away from my face with the back of my hand. Then I reached into the bottom of the box and took out the last thing in it. A letter with an envelope so crisp and white it looked like it had been written in the last year. Which, it turned out, it had been. I unfolded it slowly and glanced at my roommates who were sitting silently on the couch with me. 

January 14

Dear Mia,

I’m so sorry this all had to happen. If I could go back in time I never would have gotten into that car. I would do anything to bring Dad back. And I would do anything to have more time with you. But I know I won’t make it much longer. I can feel the weakness taking over me each day and I can’t go on like this.

I’m so incredibly grateful to have had you as a sister. Every day that I spent with you was a day well spent. All of the late nights and early mornings. All of the mid-mornings and afternoons and evenings. Every second was worth it and every second meant something. I could never have asked for a better sister than you. Even when you annoyed me with your TV show obsessions and depressing music, I would never change any of it. I would never want to change you. Because you are talented and kind and amazing. And you are worth it.

I know I wasn’t always the best brother. My greatest regrets in life won’t be the tests I bombed or the friends I yelled at. They will be the times I wasn’t there for you when you needed it. And I know there will be so many more of those moments when I’m gone. I’m sorry.

Please remember that I love you. I will always be with you in spirit. No matter how long it’s been. No matter where you are. No matter what’s happened. And my only hope for you now is that you’ll find people who care about you just as much as I did. Mom doesn’t always show it, but I know she loves you too. Everyone you’ve ever met has loved you because that’s just the kind of person you are. You spread kindness wherever you go, and you make people happy just by being there. I know this because you did it for me.

I’m giving this letter to Mom and telling her to take it to you when you need it most. I have no idea how long that will be and what will have changed for you by then. But whenever you get this, I hope you’re okay. The letter will be with a box filled with all of our special memories. These are all things that fill me with joy. Remember you don’t always have to be happy, because life doesn’t work like that. But you should seek things out that make you smile. So wherever you are right now, please promise me that you’ll never forget to smile.

Love,

Nate

“I promise,” I whispered, looking up from the letter. The tears glistening in my eyes weren’t sad tears now. They weren’t happy either, but I knew I was crying them because of gratitude. It felt like no emotion could properly explain why I was crying. I knew that Caitlin and Josie were still sitting with me, probably wondering what the letter had said, and what I was thinking about right now. But I was done trying to hide my emotions from them. Nate had told me to find people who cared about me, and I had. The sisters felt more like family to me than even my mom did right now. “I promise,” I said again, making sure each syllable sounded like how I was feeling. Grateful, heartbroken, and hopeful.

 My mind slowly put the pieces together. My mom hadn’t brought this box to me because my stuff had been taking up space in the house. She hadn’t just happened to change planes here. She had actually come here for me. She had come here to give me this box because it was my brother’s last wish. And this revelation filled me with so much emotion I couldn’t do anything but sit on the couch with my roommates and cry. I knew one day I would be okay, just like Nate had hoped. I knew one day I would put each of the things from in the box onto my shelves and smile fondly whenever I looked at them. But right now I wasn’t okay. Right now I couldn’t do that. Right now I was struggling to put words to my feelings and identify my complicated emotions.

 Right now I was shattered.