The day started off well. I made pancakes for breakfast and Josie and Caitlin seemed to like them, even though they flattened out more than they were supposed to. I had English class first, which was my favorite, and it was followed by some other classes I also enjoyed. As a bonus, none of the professors assigned any homework. 

I was walking away from the building of my last class and pulled out my phone to text a friend and ask if he wanted to meet up later. But before I could, I noticed today’s date. I felt my breath catch in my throat and I froze mid-step. Over the past year, I’d gotten really good at keeping a schedule. Without having set an alarm, I always knew that it had been exactly a month since I’d tried contacting my mom. And today was a month from my most recent call to her. 

I walked back to my dorm quickly as I thought about this. I didn’t want to be caught standing in the middle of the path gazing at my phone with a faraway look on my face. When I got back I paced around the kitchen and living room space, trying to convince myself not to do anything. “You ended things with Mom,” I reminded myself out loud. “There’s no need to keep calling her every month. That will only make things worse.” I sounded sure of it when I said it aloud, but in truth, my emotions were convicted. I knew it wouldn’t do any good; it would probably do the opposite, but the routine had been going on for a whole year. I didn’t know how to stop myself from continuing it.

“Maybe I could just send a text…” I said slowly. “That’s not the same thing as calling. Maybe it’s not so desperate.” But then I shook my head again. “No, no, no. I should just delete her number.” I even got out my phone and went to our message history. But this turned out to be a very bad idea, as seeing it just made my steps quicker and the tears heavier. There was message after message, all with dates that were spaced apart by at least four weeks. None of them had gotten an answer.

Mom, I miss you. Are you okay?

I’m sorry about everything, can we please just go back to the way things were before?

It’s Mia again. I know you’re busy, but I want to talk to you.

I just want you to know I’m thinking about you. And Dad and Nate.

I have Fall break soon. Could I please come visit you?

“Ugh,” I said, tearing a hand through my long, messy hair. “This is a very very bad idea.” I put my phone down on the counter and continued pacing, talking to myself as I walked back and forth. “You can’t text her again. She’s done with you, so you’re done with her. Mom doesn’t want you!” I almost screamed the last sentence as my rage and sadness bubbled over. My knees wobbled and I had to put a hand on the wall to steady myself as silent tears streamed down my face. 

I hadn’t even noticed my roommates come in until Josie asked quietly, “Mia?”

I spun around to look at them, my lips pressed tightly together. When I saw their anxious looks, the tears fell faster and I pressed a hand over my mouth. I saw Josie glance at the screen of my phone, looking at the string of unanswered texts to my mother. “I-” My head spun, desperately trying to think of an explanation. But my legs shook and my lips quivered and the world blurred out of focus until I felt a hand on my back, dragging me back to reality.

“Mia,” Caitlin’s voice said. “It’s okay.” I shook my head as a sob escaped through my lips. 

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re alright,” Josie told me, taking my hand and leading me towards the couch. I collapsed into the soft cushions and my hands toyed with a loose strand of the stitching as I tried to come up with something to say that would make sense.

“I- umm…” I began. “How much did you hear?”

“How much did you say?” Josie countered, her voice gentle but serious.

“Well… I… don’t know.”

Caitlin was sitting next to me on the sofa and Josie was on the floor, looking up at my tear-streaked face, trying to determine if I was alright. I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to meet her gaze.

 “Please tell us what’s going on,” Caitlin begged. “I know it’s hard for you, but we want to help.”

“I know,” I said, taking a deep breath and forcing my voice to be steady. “It’s not that.” I opened my eyes again. “It’s umm… It’s a long story.”

“We’re not going anywhere,” Josie told me, giving me a quick, tentative smile.

“I’m really okay.” I made one last sad attempt to dispel their doubts.

“You don’t have to be,” Josie said.

I leaned forward and put my face in my hands. “I haven’t told anyone this in a year.”

“A year?” Caitlin asked. I noticed the shock in her voice and I couldn’t answer. So I just nodded. “Why not?”

“It was just too hard,” I croaked.

“What was?” Josie pressed.

“My dad and older brother died last year,” I blurted before I could stop myself.

They both let out a quiet gasp and then we sat in silence for a minute. “I’m so sorry,” Caitlin said.

“I can’t even imagine,” Josie agreed. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

I sighed. “Because that’s not the whole story. My mom was never the greatest mother to Nate- my brother- and me. Dad said it was because she hadn’t wanted to have kids in the first place. But Nate and I were close. He was the best brother ever and we did everything together.” I was crying again, but I also smiled thinking about my memories with my brother. “My real name isn’t even Mia; that was just a nickname from him. My full name is Marian.”

Now that I was talking it was hard to stop. “Dad and Nate got into a car accident. My mom and I were at home, and when we got the call we rushed to the hospital, but when we got there Dad was already…” I swallowed hard, pushing the sadness down. “Already gone.” Caitlin put a comforting hand on my leg, which helped me continue. “And Nate was badly injured. The doctors didn’t know if he would make it. And we thought he was getting better, but then he died too one night. I mean, at least I got to say goodbye but...” I choked back another sob, struggling to breathe.

“Anyway… My mom was devastated, especially from losing Dad. She told me it was too painful to have me around, so she sent me to college. Most of my stuff reminded me of my family, so that’s why I don’t have much. I gave most of it away and tried to stop thinking about them. But I missed my mom, so I kept trying to contact her and she never answered. Eventually, I stopped reaching out so much and forced myself to only call or text her once a month. But then she came here out of nowhere. I saw her car in the parking lot; that’s what I was staring at when you saw me there. We talked and… she said she only came to give me a box of stuff I’d left behind and that she pretty much didn’t want to see me again.”

I had stopped talking, so Josie asked, “What was in the box?”

“Oh… I don’t know. It’s under my bed, I never looked inside. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” she said. “I wouldn’t have either if I were you.”

Her words made me feel better, so I kept going. “But before she left I asked if we could meet for dinner, and she agreed, but then never came. That’s why I was so upset that night, and why I borrowed your car the next morning. I went to the airport to ask her why she didn’t show. But… Well, that’s probably the last time I’ll ever see her again.” I shuddered at the memory of my last conversation with her.

“Mia…” Caitlin murmured sadly. “I’m so so sorry.”

“That’s horrible,” Josie sympathized.

“I do have one last question though,” Caitlin said. “But I understand if you’re done with this conversation. It must be a lot for you.”

I nodded but said, “It’s okay. What is it?”

“What were you doing when we came in just now?”

I frowned, realizing my answer would sound stupid. “I was trying to convince myself not to text my mom again. It’s been a month since last time, and I haven’t missed a month yet…”

“I understand,” she said, and I wondered if she actually did.

“Thank you both,” I told them, after a moment of silence.

“We didn’t do anything,” Josie responded.

I shook my head. “No. You’ve done more for me than you know.” They both smiled at me, but it was a smile filled with sympathy and sadness. I did my best to smile back and then I stood up.

“Where are you going?” Josie said.

“It’s time to see what’s in that box,” I said determinedly. I had put it off for a month, hoping that I would just forget about it. But it had been hard to sleep knowing that it was still tucked away under my bed. It wasn’t that I was curious about what was in it. It just felt like the memories tucked away inside it were trying to escape.

“Are you sure?” Caitlin asked. “We don’t want to force you to do anything.”

“I’m sure,” I promised. “I want to.” Then I dragged the box out from its hiding spot and took it back to the couch where my roommates were waiting for me.

“We can go if you want us to…” Josie offered.

“No!” I said abruptly, then forced my voice to soften. “I want you here- if that’s okay.”

“We’re right here,” Caitlin assured me. So I opened the box.