Later, when Caitlin came through the door to our shared dorm room, I was on my 5th episode of The Office. I’d never loved that show, but it was a comedy and I desperately needed to laugh. The humorous show didn’t fix my problems, but at least it helped cheer me up temporarily, which was all I needed. I paused it to say hi to Caitlin.

“Hey,” she said in return. “How was your day?”

“Not the best,” I said truthfully since I knew I couldn’t lie. “But it’s okay.” Then I quickly flipped the subject. “How was yours?”

“Good!” she answered. “I did some shopping and got some new decorations for the dorm and stuff!”

“Ooh really?” I asked. “I feel bad, I’m making you do all the decorating.”

“Nah, I don’t mind,” she laughed. “But here, look what I got for you!” She walked over to the kitchen table and I followed her.

“You didn’t have to-” I began, but she cut me off.

“Shh, just look!” Then she pulled a clear, square-shaped plastic bag from her shopping basket. Inside it was a folded quilt that was decorated with little ferns and flowers with leaves. It was made up of pastel colors, and the flowers were a light, dusted rose color that was almost exactly like…

“This matches the paint on my walls,” I said.

She smiled. “I figured you needed something warmer for Winter. Do you like it?”

“It’s perfect,” I said appreciatively. “Thank you.” It was just a blanket, but for some reason, it made my heart soar. It had been so long since my drab dorm room had gotten any decorations, and even just the floral quilt made me smile. I took it to my room and replaced the faded gray blanket that had been on my bed since I’d moved in. Caitlin was right that it was getting colder, and my thin blanket hadn’t been doing a good job of keeping me warm at night.

Somehow, just the one simple change in my room made a big difference. It still didn’t look very lived in. The walls were bare except for the paint color and my bookshelf had only textbooks- even though I kept telling myself I would go to the bookstore soon, I never did. My desk had a few pencils and notebooks stacked up, but I had neglected to even find a desk light to put on it. This wasn’t a big deal though, as I preferred to do my homework at our kitchen table, or in the college library. But now that the blanket wasn’t just a dull gray, the room seemed more like a place I’d want to spend time in.

After I folded up my old blanket and stored it in a box in my closet, I went back out to the kitchen. Caitlin was in there now, adding new pots and utensils to our kitchenware collection. “Can I give you some money to help pay for all that?” I asked her, wondering how much everything had cost.

“Don’t you dare,” she told me. “I’ve got it covered.”

I sighed. “Okay. But at least let me help you put it away.” I opened a package of new glasses and then carefully arranged them in the cupboard while Caitlin took a few things to the room she shared with Josie.

When we were done we sat together at the kitchen table. “Josie should be here soon,” Caitlin told me. “She went to pick up a pizza for dinner.” I glanced at the clock, not realizing that it had gotten so late.

“That sounds good!” I said in reply. I was grateful that I shared a dorm with Caitlin and Josie for many reasons. Most importantly, they were sweet and kind, and they felt like family to me. But they also shared with me when they didn’t have to, such as getting dinner for all of us or refusing to let me help pay for things we’d all use. They also acknowledged that something was going on with me and that I was frequently too upset to even speak to anyone- especially recently- but they never pushed me to tell them. They were the kind of people who were silently there for you. Who would never judge you for crying and not ever telling them why. Who would lend you their car without knowing where you were going and who would sit at the table with you just so you wouldn’t be alone. And I was the kind of person who couldn’t even hold myself together enough to repay them for any of it.

So I made that a priority for the next few weeks. I knew there was no point in thinking about my family, because my mom had already made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. I told myself that was fine. That it would actually be easier if I didn’t have to think about her anymore. So whenever I found my mind straying to her, or my dad or my brother, I shoved the thoughts to the back of my mind so I could focus on other things.

I studied and did my homework- putting more thought and effort into it than usual. And I especially worked harder at being a better friend and roommate. Josie and Caitlin were my closest friends, but I’d met others since I came to college too. So I made sure I hung out with them. I  went to a bookstore and bought plenty of novels to fill my shelves, but I also got a cookbook and started cooking dinners occasionally. They were never that good, but I hoped I’d get better with practice. When I wasn’t doing homework or attending classes, I forced myself to spend time with people, instead of sitting alone in the dorm. And while this was hard at first, it got easier. For a short time anyway.