But ten minutes before six, I changed my clothes, brushed my hair again, and went outside. My mom wasn’t there yet, but I told myself it didn’t mean anything. I was early; it made sense that she wouldn’t be here yet.

But the seconds turned into minutes.

And the minutes turned into hours.

And I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

But she never came.

It started raining, so I sat on the top stair that was covered by the eaves of the building. I checked my watch for the hundredth time that evening and another minute ticked by. The hope I had left slowly faded away. It was now 8:03 pm and I knew she wouldn’t be coming now, but still, I stayed another half an hour. The rain picked up and the sky darkened, but her car never pulled up.

I checked my phone for a text or missed call, but there was nothing. So I sighed and walked slowly back up to my room. I hadn’t even noticed the tears falling down my cheeks until Josie saw me and asked, “Oh no, have you been crying?”

I wiped the tears away and shook my head. “Must be rain,” I mumbled. I pushed past the sisters and went into my room, shutting the door behind me. I knew they were worried, and that this would only elevate that concern, but it was the only thing I could do. I climbed into bed, still fully dressed, and folded my arms across my torso, just like I’d done when my mom had left me alone in the parking lot. It felt like my world was crumbling- like I was crumbling, and all I could do was sob and hug myself to keep from falling apart.

For the past year, I’d been living a fragile life. Every day my goal was to make it until nighttime without having memories of my past reemerge. Then I had to survive a night filled with my bad dreams and restlessness. Each day I fought back the urge to try yet again to contact my mom, only allowing myself to once a month. I distracted myself with classes and friends, and that helped, but it didn’t fix it. No one here knew about how my life had changed a year ago. Caitlin and Josie were the closest I had to family, and I hadn’t even told them about it. It wasn’t that I was afraid of how they’d react. In fact, I was sure that whoever I told would be kind and supportive about it, I was just afraid that saying it out loud- something I hadn’t been able to do yet- would make it real.

And I really didn’t want it to be real.

But after I’d cried every tear I seemed to have in me, I lay in bed listening to whatever sounds happened to be in the building. I always needed something to distract me. Distractions were probably the only reason I’d been able to function lately. So I listened for the faint tapping of rain hitting the roof and the hum of the air conditioning. But the most interesting thing to listen to was the voices of Caitlin and Josie.

“What do you think happened?” Caitlin asked.

“I don’t know…” Josie said. “But I feel so bad.”

“I do too,” Caitlin agreed. “But what should we do?”

There was silence as she thought about the question. “I’m gonna go check on her. Not that she has to tell us anything, but just to see if she’s okay.”

“I’ll heat up leftovers from our dinner tonight, in case she’s hungry.” I smiled. Knowing that they cared about me seemed to make some of the sorrow fade. But then Josie’s footsteps came towards my door and I realized that I must look like a disaster. I swiped more tears away and pushed the blanket off me as she knocked on the door. 

“Mia, can I please come in?” she begged.

“Okay,” I squeaked, my voice heavy with the sadness I wished would go away.

The doorknob turned and I looked away, not ready to see her sympathetic expression. I stared at my blank walls that were painted a rosy tan color. They’d been like that ever since I came, and although Caitlin had offered to help me repaint them, I’d kept the color. Josie sat down on my bed beside me, silent for a minute before gently asking, “Do you want to tell me what happened?” She emphasized the ‘want’ to make it clear that it was my choice.

“No,” I said. “It’s not a big deal.” I knew she didn’t believe it, but she let it go.

“Are you hungry?” Caitlin asked, peeking her head in through the door. “We have leftover spaghetti.”

“Yeah,” I admitted, following her to the kitchen. “Thanks.” They sat at the table with me as I ate, but didn’t ask more questions which I appreciated. It was nice to have someone there with me, even if they didn’t know what was going on. It felt less like I was falling into a void of sadness when my friends were sitting right across from me. And although I still didn’t sleep well that night, it would have been so much worse without the comfort from Josie and Caitlin.

So in the morning, I knew what I was going to do. It was a Saturday, so there would be no classes. I woke up early, got dressed, and headed to the quad. I found Caitlin and Josie already there, each sitting with a different group of friends. I went over to Caitlin.

“Good morning, Caitlin!” I said with a slight smile.

“Morning, Mia!” she replied. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was just wondering, can I borrow your car?” The sisters shared Caitlin’s car, but I didn’t have my own, so I had to call Uber or borrow a friend’s when I needed to leave campus. “I need to go… somewhere. I should be back in an hour or two, but it’s cool if you were planning to go somewhere.”

“No, no, it’s all yours!” she told me, digging around in her bag for keys.

“Thank you so much,” I said gratefully when she handed them to me. She smiled and turned back to her friends as I walked away. I found her white Toyota parked a few rows back and climbed into the driver’s seat. I was terrified of what I was about to do, and I wondered if I was even making the right choice, but I knew that if I didn’t go through with this, I’d regret it. So I revved the engine and drove to the airport, hoping I’d make it before my mom left.