I stayed like that for a while, trying to decide what to do. The shock of everything she’d said sank into my body, making me shiver even though it was warm and sunny outside. “Come on, Mia,” I told myself out loud. “You have classes to go to. Besides, what she said doesn’t matter. I don’t need her support.” But the truth was, I did. That conversation had stung more than I wanted to admit. And I couldn’t even lie to myself, so convincing myself that everything was okay turned out to be a fruitless attempt.

“Alright,” I tried again. “Maybe it does matter. But I still need to get up.” So I stood up and walked slowly to my first class. The campus was empty, as everyone else was already inside. It was nice to be alone for the short walk, so I used the extra minutes to force the conversation with my mom into the back of my mind. I couldn’t bear to think about it right now, so I did what I always did. I forced the painful memories somewhere where they wouldn’t distract me. I could think about it later, but not right now.

After a long day of boring lectures, I was ready to collapse in bed. I had hauled the big box from my mom around to each of my classes, which earned me strange looks from teachers and peers. But I didn’t dare look inside it, afraid of the memories that would resurface. Ones I probably didn’t want to revisit. So when I got back to my dorm room, I shoved the box under my bed where hopefully I would forget about it. Then I sat on my bed, trying to decide what to do next. I could crawl under the blankets and pretend nothing existed outside of my bed. I could tackle my stack of homework for the week. Or I could make a bowl of ramen and watch an episode of my favorite show while I ate it.

But when I heard two pairs of footsteps heading to the door of our room, I jumped out of bed quickly and ran to the bathroom, knowing that I wasn’t ready to face Caitlin and Josie’s concerned looks and questions yet. I locked the door and turned the faucet to the warmest setting. I always liked my showers extremely hot, but today I needed water so scalding that it wouldn’t let me think about anything else. I washed and brushed through my tangled hair. I took my time shaving my legs, making sure each hair was cut down. And I scrubbed my face, to be sure there would be no reason for my roommates to suspect I’d just been crying.

When I got out, the mirror was so steamy I couldn’t see anything in it. I used my hand to wipe away the tiny water droplets and inspected my face. It was still red- although maybe that was from the heat of the water- but it didn’t look like I’d been crying. I practiced the smile I would show Caitlin and Josie when they asked what had happened earlier and then I practiced the one I would show to my mom when I met her for dinner tonight. Neither of them looked convincing.

With a sigh, I got dressed and exited the bathroom. I found Josie in the kitchen and saw Caitlin in her room. “There you are, Mia!” Josie said. “I was about to make tea, you want any?”

“Sure,” I said, sitting down at the table while Josie started water boiling in the kettle. She and Caitlin joined me a minute later and I knew what they were about to ask. I fidgeted nervously with my wet hair, and sure enough, Caitlin said, “You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, but we’re worried, Mia. What happened this morning?”  I was almost too embarrassed to make eye contact, but when I looked up, her brown eyes were genuine and concerned. Josie offered me a slight smile, her expression similar to her sister’s.

“It was- umm…” I had practiced what I was going to say in my head, but now I wasn’t sure I could pull off that lie. So I decided to go with as much of the truth as I could muster. It probably didn’t shake the worries that they had, but it was enough. “My mom came to visit me. And… we haven’t talked in a while. We’re going to meet for dinner tonight, and I’m just worried.” I picked each of my words carefully. If I didn’t tell the truth, they’d know, due to my inability to lie about anything.

“Awww, I’m sorry,” Josie said.

I shook my head and bit my bottom lip, determined not to cry again. “No, it’s okay. Dinner will be good. And I’m sure we’ll get everything sorted out.” I was proud of how steady my voice was.

“I’m sure you will,” Caitlin told me reassuringly and I hoped she was right.