The rest of the week dragged on. I went to my classes, but couldn’t pay attention. I forced down food even though I never felt hungry. And in the evenings I did homework, not really caring if I got the answers right. It wasn’t like calling my mom had been any different this time. She hadn’t answered any of my calls or texts for almost a year now, and yet every single time I tried again, I convinced myself that this time there’d be a different result. So whenever she didn’t, my hope was crushed and I fell into a zombie-like state for a few days before I could convince myself it didn’t matter and move on.

But then, even though I knew what would happen, next month I would try again. That was my rule; I would only try to call or text my mom once a month. I didn’t want to seem desperate to her, even though I was. I missed my family, and although I’d made friends here, especially Caitlin and Josie, it didn’t fill the void of my family. Sometimes, when the loneliness hit me harder than usual, I would break my once-a-month policy and reach out to her again.

I didn’t know if Caitlin and Josie noticed my pattern of sadness each month, but the fact that I was terrible at pretending probably didn’t help. I’d never told them about my family or what had happened between us, and they never asked. They were too kind to force me to share things that I obviously didn’t want to.

But the next morning, as I headed down to the food court area for breakfast, I saw a familiar car parked outside. It was a shiny black sports car that belonged to my mother. My breath caught in my throat and I stood frozen where I was, unable to process it. I squinted to see the license plate, worried my mind was playing tricks on me. But sure enough, the plate number belonged to my mom. As I ran through all the possible scenarios of why she might be here, I forgot that I was still standing right in front of the doors to the main building. “Mia?” said a voice from behind me. It was Josie.

I didn’t bother trying to compose my features as I turned to face her; it wouldn’t do me any good. Standing next to her was Caitlin, as usual. They were the kind of sisters that liked to spend all their time together. “Oh, hi,” I told them, my voice sounding squeaky and uneven.

“Everything good?” Caitlin questioned, cocking her head and giving me a confused look.

“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “Something… caught me off guard. I’ll umm…” I glanced back over to my mom’s car and realized what I would have to do. “I’ll catch up to you later.”

They glanced at each other quickly, but it was enough for me to tell they were concerned. After all, I’d been acting strangely for the past few days, stumbling through excuses and unable to concentrate on anything. And then they find me one morning, standing outside and staring distantly at the half-filled parking lot in front of the school. I was almost shocked that one worried glance was all my strange behavior had gotten. I watched my friends walk away, and then I took a deep breath before making my way over to the black car. As I was walking, the driver’s door opened and my mom stepped out.

She was leaning against the car with her back to me, typing out a text. I almost expected my phone to buzz in my pocket with a message from her, saying something like, “Hi honey, I heard your message and decided to come visit. I’m standing outside now!” But when I pulled it out to check, there was no new text. My heart sank, but I forced myself to keep going.

I was just a few feet away from her now, and I still hadn’t said anything. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know why she was here. None of my other messages had convinced her to come, why was this one different? But I didn’t want her to turn around and see me standing there awkwardly, so I decided to speak first.

“Hi… Mom,” I said tentatively.

She turned around and said, “Oh, hello dear,” in a tone that didn’t sound friendly at all. It was nothing like the reunion scenes I’d spend countless nights imagining. Where I would say hello and she would run over and hug me, something she hadn’t done in many years. Or she would see me and smile fondly, saying that I looked so grown up and beautiful. Maybe before I even had a chance to speak, she would apologize over and over again for what’d happened, and say that she wanted to make it up to me.

But instead of anything like that, she looked me up and down disdainfully, glanced at the big building behind me, and said, “Horrible looking school, is this really where you wanted to finish your education?”

I was taken aback by her question. “Umm, yes. I really like it here.”

She sniffed dismissively. “Well, it certainly isn’t a place I’d want to hang around at.”

“Did you just come here to tell me that the college I picked isn’t up to your standards?”

“No,” she said, and I felt my face brighten in hope. This was it! This would finally be the time where she’d tell me she came to say sorry and fix our relationship. I smiled slightly, waiting for what she would say next. I was prepared to tell her that everything was okay now and that we could go back to how things were before. I could visit her, and she could visit me. I’d tell her about my studies, and my friends, and we’d fix things between us. I knew it would be slow, and I knew we’d have bumps along the way, but I wanted my mother to get to know me again, after a year without contact. But instead, she said simply, “I came because it was less expensive than mailing a package.”

I was stunned. “Umm, what?”

She opened the backseat and showed me a large cardboard box. “I’m taking a vacation and I happened to change planes here. This box is filled with clutter that you left behind when you came here. It was taking up space in the house, and I was going to mail it, but that is so expensive. Figured I might as well drop it off since I’m here.” Then she shoved the box into my hands.

I couldn’t even come up with a good answer to that so I said, “Oh… I didn’t realize I had to take all my stuff when I left.”

“Well you won’t be coming back, will you?” she asked like this was something we’d already agreed on.

I swallowed, trying to force the emotion back down. “I won’t?”

Ignoring my question, she glanced at her watch and then said, “I need to get going, I have a spa appointment booked in an hour, and then I need to get checked into my hotel before I leave in the morning.” 

She turned to go, but before she could leave, I blurted, “Wait!” I knew it was a bad idea. I should just let her disappear from my life- after all- that seemed to be what she wanted. But I had so many unanswered questions, and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to finally get them answered. Like why had she never answered my desperate texts or phone calls? Was I really not ever going to be allowed back home? And how did she seem so… okay after everything that had happened?

“Can you meet me for dinner or something tonight?” I asked. “We haven’t talked in so long and…” I trailed off to blink back the tears that were forming in my eyes. “Please don’t disappear like Dad and Nate.” The last sentence was almost impossible for me to say. I hadn’t said my brother’s name since I’d left for college. And tears were flowing down my face now, regardless of my attempts to stop them.

Somehow, despite how hard it was for me to say that, my mother was completely unaffected. In fact, she almost seemed annoyed by my request. Like I was wasting her time. “If you want to, I suppose.”

I tried to brush it off and keep my cool, telling myself that I just had to get through this conversation, and then I could cry as much as I needed to. “Six then? I’ll meet you here and we can go out somewhere?”

“Sure,” she said with a sigh. “If that’s all, I’ll be on my way.”

“Bye,” I croaked, as she shut her door and sped away.

And all I could do was sit on my knees in the parking space that she’d just left, with my arms wrapped around my stomach, trying to hold myself together.