It wasn't until I left the store that I realized how angry I was.

Because this wasn't the first time. And I don't want to be different. I don't want people's heads to turn when I'm not even doing anything crazy. Looked at for wearing a completely neon orange outfit? Sure. Looked at because I'm just walking down the hallway being myself? I hate it. 

I haven't been this mad in a while. I feel like screaming, but I know if I do I'll just start crying. I hate that too. Nobody takes me seriously when I'm mad, because I'm sobbing. 

Something I've learned a long time ago:

I was alone, and I had sent a message to Lily. The read receipt showed up. And everything just came bubbling out. I knew she was probably busy, but my feelings were all resentful. She was probably texting Lizzie or something. Why was she still hanging out with them? They're mean and petty. I wanted to hold everything in and feel mad forever. It felt like tornados in my stomach. At the same time I wanted to let everything out and scream. 

I was alone. I could shout and no one would hear me.

But it was like it couldn't come out. There seemed to be no point to screaming if it wasn't to tell somebody I was angry. 

So today I brought the milk home and went upstairs. I grabbed a post-it-note from Elias' desk. My brother's a huge nerd. He's off at summer camp. With Rory so into reading, it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't succeed in anything academicly. On the paper I wrote why I'm mad and what it feels like. It seemed to help. 

Rory, still reading, asked what I was doing. 

"Writing why I'm mad."

"You're mad?" I nodded. 

They got up from their bed and sat on mine. Rory laid their cheek on my shoulder. "I'm sorry." 

I shook my head. All of my feelings felt so petty now. "It's okay."

But I sighed again. Rory lifted their head and looked at me. "Are you sure?"

I look at them with tears in the corners of my eyes. 

"I keep remembering when you died."