When was the last time I was myself? When was the last time I enjoyed doing the things I liked? When was the last time I didn’t have to put on a forced smile or put on a face in front of people? Everything changed when I switched schools. I’m not me anymore. I even go by a different name now. Everything and I mean everything changed when I came to my new school. I acted differently and I changed my appearance. My parents don’t care… they never did. I used to be that sweet girl but after I was shown how life is… I’m the one that won’t take anyone’s crap. I was that naive little girl who was so stupid to think that someone would care about me… he broke my heart but I’m past that now. No one will ever see me as the tiny and pathetic puppet and no one will ever use me again. No one will ever see that weak girl again. 

If you’re wondering who made me go from sweet to savage...it was a slimy dirtbag. You know, me and him were in a “happy” relationship or at least that’s what I thought until I found out that he was cheating on me with my “bestfriend”. I was even foolish enough to forgive him. He did it again and I was devastated and after crying my eyes out for a month I changed everything about me. 

I didn’t keep contact with anyone after I switched schools. They didn’t deserve to know that I am now happy with how my life is… but am I happy? I’m too caught up in which emotion is real. Is this another forced smile or am I actually happy? Are these fake tears or am I actually hurt on the inside? The old me loved the color yellow but now I say my favorite color is blue. I got so used to saying it that I started to even believe my own lie, but a small part of me knows that it’s yellow and not blue. 

Is there still a part of me inside of this fake plastic? No! I can’t have the weak side of me come out. No matter what. She’ll only make me hurt more… but what is pain? I feel pain when I get a papercut and I’ll bleed as well if I get hurt but… what is this pain? The pain in feeling alone and surrounded by outsiders who all expect you to be someone. They expect me to be completely fine. They think I’m a robot. That I’m not capable of having strong emotions… but I don’t even know which emotions are mine. I can’t tell them apart from my lies. 

Snap out of it! I can’t get sucked up into an emptyless void...but aren’t I already there. I can’t even stop the lies from slipping through my lips. They flow like blood flows through my veins. I can’t control what I say anymore. I’ve created a whole different person with a different life than what mine used to be...all because of the lies I have told. 

Whenever someone asks if I’m ok I can’t even stop myself from saying “I’m fine” I even convince myself that I’m fine even though I can feel it eating me from the inside. It scratches me and hurts my body. It feels like it’s killing me but I ignore it and continue with my life… my life… my life...my life...is this my life? I don’t even have control over anything anymore… I’m trapped in an ocean of lies. I can’t escape… but do I really want to? The last time I was my old self I was hurt worse than I am hurting now… 

I can’t get this feeling of being used again out of my head...I’m getting used by myself aren’t I? I’m just pretending to be happy on the outside as the old me is dying from being tortured and trapped in this plastic body. I’m not me. The me that people took advantage of is almost dead. I can feel it as part of me dies with them. The rest of my humanity is dying with them. And when they are gone no one will even notice that I’m dead. That the rest of the old me is gone forever. Permanently.

I’ve surrounded myself with millions of people but yet… not one of them knew the real me. Not one of them will even care. They’ll just see me smiling as the rest of the old me dies. Will I still be me if that me is gone? How long do I have until I’m just plastic? How long until I am not even human anymore?

I can still hear the lies spinning in my head as they roll out of my mouth so easily. My life is a mess… can I even say “my life” anymore? It’s not even me. It’s a fake...but yet it’s still me? I’m still here even if it’s only for so long. Though I won’t be able to stay for too long, I’m still here right now, but... I’m also lost… I’m...trapped in myself. I’m trapped in a body that no longer looks like me. That no longer is me. I’m wilting away like a flower’s petals color fades. As time passed, I faded away. The only one who could tell was me...me and the plastic thing that is now going to be the only living me. 

Does anyone remember me, the true me, from before I became this? Would they want to help? Do they even care? Does… does he feel horrible about what he did to me? Wait, No! What am I saying?! I couldn’t care less about what he thinks… but… what if I do? Even as the old me starts to fade, I’m still as naive as ever. To think that he would care. To think that maybe I’ll get to see him again and everything will be just fine… for everything to be how it was before… before he broke me. 

No! NO! no... 

I need to stop this nonsense. I gave him a chance to change but he will never change...but… what if he did change? It has been a while... 

None of this matters right now. Soon I’ll be gone and I’ll never get to see if he did change… It doesn’t matter. None of this does.

I slowly fade away every second as the plastic me lies. The nonstop and constant lies push me out of my own life. Even though I feel that I don’t have much time left, I feel calmer than I have for a while. It just seems peaceful as I drift away slowly… leaving behind the world though there’s still going to be me on the Earth… just not me. 

The End