Chapter Nine:

When you thought your life was going well and you were going to be healthy everything goes wrong. It seems as if God is punishing me for something I don’t know what I did. My whole life is beginning to go down the drain again. My lungs are failing me and supposedly my memory action is getting darker. I’m told I’m going to have a half year left with a memory.

What did I do to myself to end up in this situation? Am I not good enough to live? Are my sins higher than all the others here?

As I’m sitting at Chief’s desk going over my charts I realize that I might not live within the next few years. As soon as I realize that I might be on my deathbed I realized I might be leaving Oliver behind. I promised myself right there and then that I will give my everything to Oliver till I pass. 

I won’t be telling Oliver anything about what I know, because I’m afraid he’ll leave me or worse try to you know, die with me if he’s that desperate. I don’t want to pull a Romeo and Juliet. The knowledge I know will only be between me and my doctors. Not anyone outside the circle or else all Hell will explode.

Days have passed and the secret was eating my insides whole. When I got to thinking, I realized Kyle did the exact thing to me. He knew he was dying and didn’t tell me how bad he was. I didn’t find out that he knew until Chief Andris told me after his funeral.

I remember it as if it was yesterday.

The walls of the church didn’t look as if there would be a funeral. Everything around was all bright and bubbly. The feeling in the church was nothing at all like some people coming to mourn for a death of a loved. It was too happy.

The funeral for Kyle was full of colors. Not a single living soul was wearing black. If there were a single patch of black worn on someone they were told they couldn’t come in due to Kyle’s wishes. He told his family that he wanted his funeral to be a party and full of colors.

Red, orange, blue, yellow, and pink were everywhere. Not one black was on a mourner. In fact, not a single person who came is holding a frown. They’re all smiling as if Kyle was still here. As if they’re waiting for Kyle to come into the room to be surprised. I wish it were true, but it’s not. Kyle is lying in his white casket.

I was told that Kyle chose a white casket to lie in because he wanted his loved ones to write on it whatever they want. A line was starting pile up to write a letter to Kyle. I didn’t move forward with the crowd because I wanted to be the last person he said goodbye to.

Pastor Wolf started the ceremony with him playing a video Kyle made for everyone. I sat in the front seats with his mom, EmRose, and the rest of the family. The video began with Kyle telling everyone how much he loved us and how he happy was to have people by his side when battling his cancer.

The rest of the video was pictures from the day he was born, elementary, middle school, and high school. I saw his prom pictures, fieldtrips, and vacations. All of these went by so fast before his face reappeared on the screen.

“I know that my life went by fast for you, but to be honest that’s how I felt life was. It was too fast for me to keep up. Well, until I met someone who slowed it down for me.” Kyle’s voice spoke. “Dylan D’ Imperrizler, the love of my life,”

Next there were pictures of Kyle and I. It lasted for almost ten minutes. Not including the videos Kyle put in. As the pictures went by he explained what he loved about me. My eyes, my hair, my nose, my dimple, and the dot on my wrist were a few Kyle told. Seven months being with this wonderful guy and I still can’t believe he found so many pictures to use.

At the end before Kyle reappeared there was a picture of him and I pulling a funny face. Kyle was pulling the tip of his nose up trying to make a pig nose and there was I pulling my cheeks while sticking my tongue out. It was actually quite beautiful what he did. “Dylan, I love you, forever and always.”

“Cross your heart and swear to God on your life?” I whispered to him towards the screen.

A few seconds pass and Kyle grew a grin as if he knew I would say that. “Yes, I cross my heart and swear to God on my life. I will watch over you and stick with you through whatever until it’s time for you to come home to me.” Kyle made a heart with his hands and blew a kiss towards me. I caught it and held it close to my heart. “I love you babe.”

The video went black and I knew that was the last time I hear his voice in real life. “I love you too.”

The rest of his funeral went by before my eyes and soon there was no one left in the church besides me. I walked up to Kyle’s corpse and rubbed my hand against his cold cheek. He was wearing the One Direction shirt I bought offline for him. The cross necklace with another charm that says, “Dylan” lies over his heart.

I wanted to break down and cry, but I knew Kyle wouldn’t want me to. I held onto his hand and I swear I could feel his presences on me. I could feel his warm, soft hands on my shoulder. I could feel his warm breath breathing on my neck. The cologne he wore was consuming my lungs making me want to fall back and pray he was there to hold me.

I grabbed a sharpie and went to the only side nobody wrote on and began to draw our faces. I took forever on Kyle’s face trying to perfect it to my best ability. I drew our faces from the time we laid in the hospital garden and watched the spring bugs fly above us. Underneath, around, and above the picture I wrote my love into words.

“Kyle, promise me you won’t wake up and not love me anymore. Promise me that if we fight, you’ll notice again that I love you. Promise me that whatever happens, you and I will never part. Promise that we’ll stay together forever. Promise me when we say forever that ‘Till death do us part’ will never be a part of our love.” I stopped to look over it and then began to write again knowing I forgot something. “I love you forever and always. Cross my heart and swear to God on my life.”

I went back to Kyle’s still; un-alive body and I kissed his cold lips goodbye. As I turned away I saw his dad, Karl, standing by the church doors facing me as if he was waiting for me the whole time. When I finally reached to him he wrapped his arm around me protectively and pecked my forehead as we walked out of the church leaving Kyle behind. 

Outside the church people were leaving to go to the after party Kyle had planned at the nearest Dave & Buster’s. In Kyle’s wishes for his funeral he asked if people didn’t see him be put in the ground. Instead he asked if we could do a celebration at his favorite party place.

At first I wasn’t going to go, but then EmRose showed me a piece of paper that had Kyle’s writing on it asking me to stay for his parents. He said he didn’t think they would be able to handle the aftermath of knowing he wasn’t coming back home. I stayed by Karl and EmRose the whole night playing games, making bets, and eating large portions of Kyle’s crazy food ideas. To be honest, the celebration was brilliant. I had so much fun.

Oliver kept glancing over to me giving me this look that he knows something is up with me. I really tried my best to hide my feelings and knowledge. Although, every time Oliver gave the look my power to hold it together broke it down one notch at time. 

This time we were in the cafeteria when my last straw broke. Oliver and I were eating lunch and every time I heard a mother or father speak of their loved one being on their dying bed or coming home I wondered what fate would be mine. I didn’t realize that Oliver was confused that my expression went down and down the more I got consumed into the question.

Oliver grasped my hand from the other end of the table and gave me a worried, questioning look. I squeezed his hand to at least try to comfort him, but I guess it wasn’t enough. Oliver was catching on with my surroundings and thoughts. It was as if he knew me more than I did. Like I was an open book whenever I was around him and I couldn’t control myself to close it.

“Dylan? What’s the matter?” Oliver asked. “Like seriously for the past days you’ve been down, and it seems like you’re hiding something from me.”

The last straw was torn from grasped and now I was vulnerable to him. I couldn’t keep it from him any longer. I had to tell him everything before I burst and despair. “Oliver. I’m going to …die.”

It all happened too fast. The whole world fell into the pits of hell.  Oliver’s face paled and he pushed away from the table in fear. My heart broke and figured he was going to leave me because I was on my death bed. Oliver turned his wheelchair away from me and left me behind with a heart shattered.

In slow motion my hands went to my eyes while salty liquid poured from their sockets and my head smashed onto the table. Muffles of sobs and small screams exit my mouth and my hands pulled my hair in pain. My heart was leaving me in this mess racking me with knives all over my feelings.

Somebody’s hands covered my shoulder in console. My body hurled away from the person. I did not want anybody to try to piece me back together. It will not happen again. The first time was hard, but feeling the stitches and tape peeling away was a bullet to the head. Nothing was going to keep me together except for the reason to part me again.

Although, this time, the hurting was not an accident. I didn’t expect for the person I put so much trust into to walk out on me. My first heartbreak was due to a death that couldn’t be prevented. This time, Oliver tore her heart and left knowing I be in this condition. 

An arm wrapped itself around my body carrying me to my room. I had no clue who it was due to the waterfall overflowing my eyes and making it unclear to see my surrounding. It was rigid water patterns. My body was placed upon a puffy blanket. The arms that once wrapped itself around me were pulling away and I feared that I would have nobody to comfort me anymore.

I reached out for the comforter blindly grasping for the one thing that saved me from drowning in tears in front of many others around me. The hand held mine and enfold me within its embrace. The arms were strong and they way it hugged me was familiar. It felt like the arms that came to me when I was younger when there were nightmares storming into my room invading my precious dreams. It felt like Dad.

“Dad,” I whispered out. “Is that you?”

He hushed at me while pulling me closer to him. “Yes, baby.”

At first I didn’t know if I should lean back in safety or race out of his grip and find Chief. But, then I realized it’s been months since he laid eyes on me after that fought we had. I assumed he came back to apologize but when he walked in he saw me in such a hazardous state, and the only thing he could think of was to protect me.

I leaned back and let my father sooth me.

I could feel my father’s smile and the walls between us break down. I could sense us coming to better terms and that relaxed me for what the future has in store for us two. I knew that when I passed he wouldn’t feel guilty for not forgiving me or worse, not making our relationship on better terms.

He pecked my hair. I smiled and wiped my tears before turning to face my dad. He wiped my cheek erasing any other traces of tears that I forgot to remove. Dad left his hand on my cheek soaking in everything of me. “I’m sorry. About everything,” Dad broke the silenced.

My mouth dropped in shock, “Really? Ugh, I’m sorry too.”

“Can you really forgive me that easily?” Dad asked warily.

I smiled for real and chuckled. “Yeah, you’re my dad. Of course I’m going to forgive you.”

He half smiled, but I could tell he really felt relieved. He got his daughter back, and he no longer had to live his life in regret of what would happen if he didn’t confess. All was well for now, between me and my dad.

Dad didn’t leave until it was the third warning after visitor’s hours. Jen told him twice and when he didn’t act on her words she called Chief. Chief Andris didn’t come to kick my dad out until an hour after Jen’s threat to tell him. Dad grasped my hand and squeezed it. He pecked my head goodnight and then he left with a peace sign.

Every other day after the makeup mom and dad visited me. They made a resolution to spend as much time with me until whatever the consequences decided to do with me. Mom always snuck in her homemade food for me knowing that I consume disgusting hospital food. Dad brings in his guitar and strums for me while I hum the song because we’re awful singers, but amazing hummers.

Days, weeks, and a month and a half passed. My stats have been the same the whole time, so no further damaged have been done yet. My status has been single as well. Oliver has not made an effort to try to talk to me. In fact, I haven’t even laid eyes on him since he left me alone in the cafeteria. My assumptions have been proven correct, but in reality I wished they were flagged as false.

What I hate is the fact I raised a white flag in front of Oliver hoping he understand and help me, but he did the total opposite; bombed me with nuclear weapons. I just thought since I could no longer keep it in, and he was noticing my suspicious attitude, that he maybe takes it differently. I did in fact save his life many times when he was in a medical coma. Oliver should have at least given some respect and just stay there for me. It’s not that complicated.

On the day I had my brain checkup my father came to visit me. Along the way to my room he ran into Oliver. The run in was a head-on-run-with-the-enemy for the two. My father scowl at him, and Oliver cursed to the heavens. Oliver tried to roll in the opposite direction, but my dad grabbed his chair and forced him to look at him.

Oliver’s fists were clenched to the chair with white knuckles. His face scrunched up as if he was too stubborn to give a care whatever my dad was telling him. My father continued to yell at him. Oliver made a comment which in result gave him a punch in the face from my dad.

Nurses came from every corner to protect Oliver. The male nurses held my dad under their control from further physical impacts between the two men. On the other hand, Oliver was being pampered by female nurses with an icepack to his bruised cheek.

“To hell you go, son!” My dad yelled at Oliver.

“I’m not the one that’s knew she was going to leave me!” Oliver yelled in return.

The nurses shuffled the two out of sight. Oliver was sent back to his room, and my dad was escorted out of the building and was told not to come back until the very next week. I, in fact, just stood there with Nurse Jim bewildered with the scene that stood before me. But, what still confused me was the fact Oliver was on my floor in the first place.

What was he doing here on my floor? Was he going to come visit me after all this time? What did he mean when he said, “I’m not the one that’s knew she was going to leave me!”? Did he really think I was going-wait, yeah I was.

I bid goodbye to Nurse Jim and step back onto the elevator. I pressed the floor four button and waited as the lift went down two floors. The doors opened to floor that grabbed familiar memories. I strolled through the hall that leads to Room 456 that held Oliver.

With each step I took closer to his room I felt my heart speed up. 444. 448. 452. 454. There it is, 456. Should I really walk up to him and confront him after all this time? I walked closer to his room and my fist paused in front of his door. I knocked three times, then two times with one more after three seconds. It was our code for when we would visit each other on days we weren’t or at nights just to talk.

I heard a shuffle in the room as someone rolled over to unlatch the lock that held the door between us closed. The door opened and my eyes were greeted by cold, golden ones of Oliver. I was scared of what would happen next.

“What are you doing here?”  Oliver said with clenched teeth and his fist as pale as they were in front of my dad.

“I’m sorry.”