I am not depressed. I can still smile at the pretty things. And laugh when jokes are funny. I can still talk to people.
But when I go inside, when I am alone, there is something broken. And I fall into a sadness so bad if engulfs me. I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. And the tears always fall when I'm falling asleep. And I miss something, that doesn't exist anymore. I lost someone...
But I am not depressed. I've just been sad for awhile. But I can still find the light. I can still smile, even if it is a sad smile.


I have no self confidence yet I have a massive ego. I want to turn my life around. . .but I want to die.I want people to think I have no weakness but all I want to do is cry.
I want to be the best at everything but I don't try.
I want to stop hurting myself but that's all I do.
I don't want people to see my scars but I want them to know I'm scared.
When I wake up I want to be happy but I don't want to wake up anymore.
I smile but I don't want to be here anymore.


P.S. I haven't looked in the mirror for months because I really don't like what I see. . .

Welcome to society, we hope you enjoy your stay. Please feel free to be yourself as long as it's in the right way. Make sure you love your body, not too much or we'll tear you down. We'll bully you for smiling and then wonder why you frown. We'll tell you that your worthless and then cry with all the others as you're buried in the ground. You can fall in love with anyone as long as we approve. And we'll let you have your opinions but please shape them in our views. Welcome to society we promise that we won't deceive, and one more rule now that you're here. There's no way you can leave.

Have you even been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You have all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing could ever hurt you. Then one stupid person decides to walking into your stupid life. . . you give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb that day like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages, it gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It. Hurts. Like. Hell. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart-in-pain. I hate love. It's the thing I'm scared of most.
I'm scared of love. I don't want to love. I hate it when I like someone. I hate it when I show feelings. I hate it because I am in love. I have been in love for years now. He is my friend, has been for four years. I've loved him since I first saw him but I told everyone that we were just friends. He did the same. I got scared. I never told him how I felt. Now he doesn't talk to me much and I. . . I still love him. But then something else happened. I got asked out. By another kid. I didn't want to hurt him. I had never really thought of that other boy that way but I said yes. I don't love that other boy. I don't know what to do. Help me. I'm going crazy.