MR. D
Oh, you're alive
I suppose that's good news for you
But it means a lot more paperwork for me

So don't expect me to be happy to see you
Of course, being alive is temporary

(spoken)
So, maybe if I go away and play pinochle for a few hours, things might improve.
For me. Not for you. You'd be dead.

PERCY (spoken)
Where am I?

MR. D
Great! You haven't been debriefed
This is way out of my pay grade
Which is saying a lot
'Cause I don't get paid

(spoken)
Someone find Professor Hay-for-breath and tell him Peter Johnson is awake,
so he better clip-clop over here!

PERCY (spoken)
It's Percy Jackson

MR. D (spoken)
Whatever!

(sung)
Just another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst

Just another terrible day
When you're in charge
It's like you're cursed

(spoken)
Well, technically I am cursed. One romp in the woods with Zeus' favorite wood nymph,
and you're stuck running a summer camp for a bunch of needy half-bloods.

PERCY (spoken)
Half-blood?

MR. D (spoken)
Yeah, half-god, half-mortal. Does no one watch the orientation film?

PERCY (spoken)
Did you say half-god?

MR D (spoken)
Yeah. And I half-care
Who's next? Silena Beauregard!

[SILENA enters, crying]

Oh, great, she's crying.

SILENA (spoken)
I was walking in the strawberry fields with Charlie Beckendorf and we were holding hands
and everything was totally normal
and then I kissed him and all of a sudden he started growing sunflowers. Everywhere!

MR. D
Look, kid
I hate to be the one to tell you
But I think that Charlie Beckendorf was also holding hands with a nymph
That doesn't wanna to wish you well

To tell you the truth
The best thing is to break up with the guy

(spoken)
'Course, who am I to give relationship advice, I'm literally the god of alcohol

SILENA (spoken)
But he loves me-

MR. D (spoken)
He loves you not! Next!

(sung)
Another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst

Just another terrible day
I'm the god of wine
And I'm dying of thirst

PERCY (spoken)
Wait, did you say you're a god?

MR. D (spoken)
Dionysus, god of wine. The gods are real. Yippy skippy.
Ah, Katie Gardner. I see you've injured your arm.

KATIE (spoken)
I fell off a pegasus (giggles).

MR. D (spoken)
You don't have flying lessons on Thursdays, you have archery.

KATIE (spoken)
Those arrows are made of wood! wood comes from trees! I refuse to participate
in any activity that encourages the senseless slaughter of our arboreal friends-

MR. D
Oh, gods
Give me Ares or Apollo
Anyone but the Demeter kids cabin

Now that you blessed us
Go talk to Hephaestus
Before I take a knife to my head and start stabbing

(spoken)
And stay away from the pegasi! Girls and ponies... Ah, speaking of ponies.

MR. BRUNNER (spoken)
Percy!

PERCY (spoken)
Mr. Brunner! What are you doing here?
This guy is saying all this crazy stuff about nymphs and gods and...
What is going on?

MR. BRUNNER (spoken)
It's... complicated-

MR. D
Oh kid,
You have no idea
About this place or your former mentor

I don't have time
To fill you in on the details
But look, he's also a centaur

(spoken) God!

[MR. BRUNNER is revealed to be CHIRON, and whinnies]

CHIRON (spoken)
I did mean to tell you...

MR. D
Another terrible day (PERCY: Mr. Brunner!)
At Camp Half-blood (PERCY: You're a horse!)
Where everything's the worst (PERCY: What is happening?)

Another terrible day
You can hate it here
But I hated it first

Just another terrible day
Stuck with these runts
In the muck and mud

Another terrible day
Oh gods!

(spoken) I need a drink

(sung)
Enjoy your stay
At Camp Half-blood