A feeble hum comes out of my mouth as I sit next to Luka's bedside, holding her hand. Her hand steadily grows weaker and weaker. She grins up at me, the pain medication obviously affecting her. I try to keep the tears out of my eyes as my beloved, beautiful, sister fades before me. Images of Luka flash before my eyes- her little eyes as a baby, crinkling in a smile. Her wispy hair as a toddler. Her ability to bounce off walls without getting hurt. When she first became obsessed with gymnastics. The first time she did a cartwheel, landing on her feet in our backyard. Her frustration when she wasn’t strong enough to kip. Her utter joy when she was.

I watch Luka’s eyes drift closed as her hand relaxes in mine. And just like that, her flame flickers out. I don’t hold back my tears anymore. I sob and weep, screaming at the ceiling as I bury my face in Luka’s hair. I breathe in her scent as her hospital gown is soaked with my tears.

She’s gone. She’s really gone.

My whole immediate family is gone. I can’t help it- I punch the wall. I hear the crack of bones breaking as a nurse comes running. Celeste, her name is. Luka’s nurse until she died.

“Honey, what did you just do?” I hold up my already black and blue hand, sobbing. Not because of the pain of my hand- I’m so numb I can’t feel it. But because I’m alone.

“They’re gone! I’m alone!” I sob into Celeste’s shoulder. The true reality of it all hits me now. It’s as if Luka’s final breath took the shock away and replaced it with the cold, bitter, ugly truth.

My family is dead.

How did my life get to this? Two hours ago, I had a family. I was riding high on the waves of Hayden’s love and Clay’s friendship. And now, it’s all gone. I may still have a boyfriend, a best friend, and a cousin, but it doesn’t matter. Because the people I love most in the world are gone.

“What do I do, Celeste? Why would this happen?” Celeste shakes her head,

“I don’t know, Honey. But I do know that you have a lot of visitors!” She motions towards the hallway after wrapping up my hand. I sigh and get up, but first kiss Luka’s forehead.

“Teach Kandace how to turn cartwheels, okay? I’m sure it’ll be easier in heaven,” I whisper, not looking at her mangled legs. Then I walk to the waiting room.

Aunt Leona suffocates me with a hug. Then Uncle Walter hugs me. Then comes Norah, and then Clay. It’s sweet… but not what I need. The thing is, I don’t know what I need. My family? I want them back so badly.

Maybe I should just kill myself so that I can be with them.

If I can’t last two hours separated from my family without being suicidal, then how am I going to last a lifetime?

I think Aunt Leona knows what I’m thinking. She grabs my shoulders and holds me to herself.

“Harriet Grey Abbey, your life is too precious to be snuffed out. Do you think your parents would want you to take your life? If you can’t keep yourself alive for you, do it for your family.” Her words get me in the heart. I nod through the tears,

“Okay, Aunt Leona.” She releases me,

“Good.” I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Clay wordlessly holds out my phone, which somehow survived.

“We were thinking you should call people and tell them what happened,” Aunt Leona says. I nod,

“But I don’t know what to say.” Clay throws an arm around my shoulder.

“I’ll sit with you and help.” I give her a shaky smile. We sit on a couch and I go into my contacts. Breathe, Harriet, my mind reminds me. Breathe.

“Hello, this is Harriet,” I say into the phone. My mom’s parents immediately sense that something is wrong.

“Oh, darling, what happened?” I can’t hold it in anymore. The words tumble out,

“Nana and Pappy! They’re dead! They’re all dead!” There’s silence from the other end, but I make up for it with big, heaving sobs. Clay takes the phone from me.

“Nana and Pappy Abbey,” she says, as she’s always called them (they aren’t technically her grandparents, obviously), “there was a terrible car crash. Harriet only survived because she wasn’t in the car. I’m so, so sorry.” I hear my nana start to sob. I bury my face in Clay’s shoulder. Clay has to move onto the next call, which turns out to be my dad’s good friend, George D’Souza. He takes the news bravely. Then comes my mom’s best friend, Malibu O’Brian. She is silent for a moment before saying,

“She was too young.” I whimper a little at that. Clay puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

Every other call is a blur. My best friend, people in Chicago, people at my school, Hayden. Clay does most of them, but I personally talk to Hayden and Sierra. They both try to comfort me. All I need is a kiss from Hayden, a hug from Sierra. I try to hold in my nervousness about the future.

Clay hangs up with my school administrator, Mr. Yust.

“You’re all set, Harriet.” I try to smile, but the ache in my chest deepens. She has a family! She has a healthy sister, a healthy mom, a healthy dad. She has a best friend who lives in the same town. I pull away,

“I need a moment alone.” I push out of the room and into the sterile smelling hallway. Trying to hold back another bout of tears, I run to the tea lounge, sitting down in an armchair and pulling my knees up to my chin. A quiet sob emanates from my chest.

“Are you okay?” a voice asks. I look up and see a teenager not much older than me. He has dark brown hair and is really tall.

“I dunno,” I say. “My whole family just died, so probably not.” I sniffle a little. He sits down in the chair next to me.

“So you’re Harriet Abbey?” I look up,

“How do you know my name?” He extends his hand,

“I’m Tanner Idris, Valerian Terrence’s nephew.” I take his hand and shake it slowly.

“Nice to meet you, Tanner.” He sighs,

“I am so sorry, Harriet. I can’t bring your family back, but I can say that I am so, so sorry. From my whole family.” I smile a little,

“Thank you.” He nods.

“One thing I know, Harriet, is that they wouldn’t want you to give up. They would want you to keep going.”

“I know,” I whisper faintly. Looking up at the ceiling, I say, “I know.” Tanner reaches out a hand and rests it on my shoulder.

“You got this, Harriet.” He gets up and walks away. Only later do I find the tiny charm he slipped into my pocket. It says, ‘I will have faith’.




.....

Aunt Leona sits beside me in my family’s house at our dining room table. It still smells like Mom and Dad and Luka and Kandace. First thing I did when we got here was lay face first on my parents’ bed crying like a baby. I’m calmer now. But we have to start working on funeral details. I’m not going to think about where I will live until after the funeral. We’re just going to have one joint funeral. It’s how they would want it to be.

“Harriet, dear, why don’t you read the eulogies?” I blink at my aunt,

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” She rubs my back.

“It’s what they would want.” I sigh and say okay. Now I have to write five eulogies.

“And, darling, what about their epitaphs?”

“I’ll write those, too,” I say bravely, trying not to break down again.

This is what I come up with:

Mom: An amazing daughter and mother. We will miss you.
Dad: An amazing son, brother, and dad. We will miss you.
Luka: She cartwheeled through life. We just wish she had time for more cartwheels.
Kandace: To our favorite toddler- thank you for the giggles and laughs.

I hand the sheet of paper to Aunt Leona, another tear quivering at the corner of my eye.

“We were all laughing and having fun and then boom! They were gone.”

“I know, Hon, I know,” she says, looking at me with tears in her eyes. I smile a little,

“I guess we both have family to mourn for.” She nods,

“He was an awesome big brother.” I can see the twinkle in her smile that means she is going to tell a story. Scooching in, I look up at her expectantly. She laughed and wrapped an arm around me.

“As you know, your grandmother adopted me after your grandfather went to jail because the house was too big for Jake to live in alone while she was travelling. She wanted to adopt a child for him to have company, but not someone he’d have to take care of. He was finishing junior year, and still dating your mom, obviously. I was fifteen. I had given up on being adopted by then; it’s rare for someone to want to adopt a teenager. But then Mom came looking for someone my age! It was a dream come true.

“Ever since then, Jake has been… was… the most influential person in my life. After he married Monica and walked me down the aisle at my wedding to your Uncle Walter, our bond grew so much stronger, and it was like he was my safety net through everything. When I had Clay so early on in my pregnancy, he was there to help the whole time. You had an amazing dad, Harriet.” I nod,

“I know, Auntie. I know,” I cry as I bury my face in her shoulder. She rubs my back as I try to pull myself back together.

“Harriet, dear,” Aunt Leona says softly, “I think I can handle the rest of this. Why don’t you take a break?” As if on cue, the doorbell rings and my phone buzzes.

“It’s Hayden,” I whisper, trying to mop up my tears. Aunt Leona stops my hand.

“Harriet, you don’t have to hide that you are grieving.” I nod my head and resist the urge to have another tearful outburst. Opening the door, I try to smile, but Hayden isn’t fooled. He envelops me in a hug,

“I’m so sorry, Harr-bear.” I bury my face in his sweatshirt, trying to stop another flood of tears.

“I don’t know what to do, Hayden! What do I do?” He shook his head,

“I can’t answer that for you, Harriet. But I can say that I know that you are strong enough to get through this!” I smile a little,

“I’m trying, Hayden.” He chuckles,

“I know.”